Condom Balloon Doggie Porn Courtesy Of Durex

There are no words.

Best Silly YouTube Vids of 2008

The Washington Post compiled this list for its year-end review. We had only seen a couple of these...most are pretty awesome.

Jeckyll/HydeBaby


Real Life Lazy Susan Using Escalator to Become Turntable


Manic Yap-Dog


Dramatic Lemur


Geckofabulous


Balloon-Killin' Jack Russell


Roomba Rodeo Cat


Drat the Luck! Man Gets Trapped Inside Giant Balloon


Star Wars According to a Three-Year-Old


Hamster on a Piano (Eating Popcorn)

She's Back, Bitches!!!

Read about it here.

Review by...erm, um, me.

Rejected!

We can so relate.

It's HUGE!!!

Hey, people, listen up.  This has been bugging me for months now and it's time somebody said something.

See this word: H-U-G-E?  It's HUGE.  HYOOGE.  NOT "yooge."  

Lately it seems like everyone is overusing the word "huge," and that these people are mispronouncing it as "yooge."  Guess what.  If you're falling into this linguistic trend, you are no better than Madonna and her fake-ass British accent.

Stop it.   Now.

It's Turkey, Bitch!

Britney's Circus Is No Freakshow

Womanizer--Doesn't warrant critique.  Everyone has heard it.  The good news it, it's one of the worst tracks on the album.

 

Circus--Britney is the ringleader.  Or, uh, like a ringleader.  She says.  OK, she's a puppet, but this song is sooo fun.  The sound is a lot like a lot of the tracks from Blackout, except either the production was way better or Britney was actually at least partly lucid when she recorded this.  She's heavily programmed and her voice is sliced and diced, as we expect, but you can actually hear some emotion in there...somewhere.

 

Out from Under--This is a sweet ballad, and something about it sounds very Duncan Sheik "I Am Barely Breathing," though I'm not sure why, exactly.  Maybe it's all the breathy vocals.  But whatever, this song is a huge triumph for someone with Britney's limited vocal capacity.  It's kind of gorgeous, actually.

 

Kill the Lights--People will love this song.  It's good Britney, and it's what you expect from a successful Spears song.  That's also the problem with it; on an album that's full of surprises, it's kind of disappointing to hear this in that context.  (Same with Womanizer.)  But this'll be fun to dance to in clubs; lots of terrible "Vogue"-style posing cues.  ("Mr photographer/I think I'm ready for my close-up/Make sure you catch me from my good side/Pick one")

 

Shattered Glass--This song is too short...and that's a good thing.  Clocking in at under two minutes, this is a quick-and-dirty 70s/80s hybrid.  It's really interesting, actually, how the verses are pure disco and the chorus is totally '80s.  It's two floors of a retro club in one song!

 

If You Seek Amy--Damn this song!  Was I actually duped by the subversive-yet-completely-transparent workings of the Britney Spears machine at Jive?!  I sang this song dozens of times, loving it from its dark and strangely giddy calliope synths, by the disjointed and something's-not-quite-right-lyrics, and by the undeserved maniacal delivery that Spears gives the phrase "If you seek Amy" throughout the song.  And then I found out what she's actually saying, and now it's just really creepy.  The song is by far one of Brit's top ten tracks sonically, but with her past and knowing how she's been so used by her producers, boyfriends, et al., I really don't want to hear her making the urgent plea, "oh baby baby eff you see kay me tonight/We'll do whatever you like!"  It makes me sad. :-(  No, Britney.  I'm not going to eff you see key you at all.  You kind of scare me.  Go take a Seroquel and turn in early, k?

 

Unusual You--An unusually sophisticated, mature, and intelligent song and performance from Britney and her wizards.  This song was a total surprise to me.  "Unusual You" features all the highlights of Britney Spears's voice, including some discordant notes, which are collaged and layered for an effect that couldn't be accomplished with everyone's vocals.  It's nice that the producers left a human quality to her voice, even if the rest of it is heavily Autotuned.  The lyrics are strong, too, and they fit Britney's public image and very possibly her private feelings.  The music is otherworldly; it's a flashback to the accomplished trance of the mid-/late-1990s--think early BT or Robert Miles.  This song is perfect.  And it is hands down the greatest Britney Spears product produced to date, even if it isn't meant to be a commercially viable CD.  (It's no "Oops!"--and that's a great thing at this stage in her life and career.)

 

Blur--"Turn the lights out/This shit is way too fuckin bright/Want to put my eyes out/If you wanna mess with my eyesight/Just let me get my head right/Where the hell am I/Who are you/What'd we do last night?"  That's how this song opens.  If Britney had written it, the lyrics would be laudable.  But she didn't, and so it's not quite as striking.  Besides the lyrics, the song isn't very memorable.  Not bad, but pretty "eh."

 

Mmm Papi--I have no opinion of this one.  It's a little creepy what with the whole orgasmo-groan "mmm Papa ooh Papi love you!" thing, since some of this sounds like it's actually meant to be communicated to a...father.  But, uh, I'll just leave it alone.  Hopefully the details behind this one will remain a blur.

 

Mannequin--This song would fit better on Blackout.  Britney Spears, the human being, is absolutely absent in this song.  She was possibly conscious when she recorded the lyrics, but Danja has processed them to the point at which calling Brit's vocals Velveeta would be too organic a metaphor.  The sound is...interesting--but the song itself has the feel of an experiment and not much more.  "My face is like a mannequin"?  No idea what that means or why this song made it onto this album other than "it sounds cool."

 

Lace and Leather--This song would fit much better on Madonna's "Hard Candy," and it would be better sung by Christina Aguilera.  It's a nice little 80s throwback, but it's nothing special.

 

My Baby--The titular baby is an actual baby, not an "oh baby" baby.  And even more impressive, Britney actually had a hand in writing this song.  That's kind of a relief given that the song is a syrupy little ode to her baby--which one got the shaft, we wonder?--and the lyrics aren't actually embarrassing.  Neither are the vocals.  It's not a great song, but hearing Mama Spears sound so sincere and knowing that she helped to make that happen go a long way in re-humanizing her.  Hearing Britney raise her naturally lowish voice to a falsetto that sounds like more of an effort for her than Justin Timberlake's sounds to be for him is interesting; it suggests that Britney is trying.  And that's really the key to this album's soul  We do not expect great things from Britney Spears, but any indication of free will being exercised feels like a major triumph. 

 

Listen to "Unusual You":

Joe Plumber and Joe Six-Pack

Is McCain running the gayest campaign ever?

What's with the fixation on Joe Plumber and Joe Six-Pack?

We found McCain's secret video footage of Joe and Joe. His secret is out: Big. Old. Homo!


Joe Plumber


Joe Six-Pack

Sarah Palin Megamix!!

Governor Sarah Palin: Say no for personal reasons!

The Economy, The Election: We Have A Problem

OK. So. Here we go.

We grew up listening to our grandmother's stories of the Depression era (She was born in 1920.) and World War II era, when she was constantly sick because she was anemic and iron-rich proteins were rationed. We don't want to be alarmist, but are people LISTENING out there? To their grandparents? To the news (which is actually covering NEWS these days!! How serious is it when there's more than shootings and informercial product testing on the local news, huh?).

Here's a recent rundown if you're not listening:

1. Financial institutions are dropping out of the market like roaches after bringing Raid pellets back home to their babies. This means: Despite what people on TV are saying (It's called 'damage control.'), our money is NOT safe. We owe massive debt to China and other countries, Russia absolutely HATES us right now, to say nothing of the Middle East region. And I'm not being xenophobic: we all know this country has been pushing its luck and ignoring foreign relations for the past eight years. This is what happens. Are you scared? You should be.

2. Smokescreen politics. Seriously, let's deal with this NOW. Sarah Palin is not qualified to be vice president or president, if that time comes. Her interview with Charles Gibson made it clear that she doesn't know the answers to the questions, or even the background material. She was giving the 'right' answer. I don't have a problem with religious people, but a country cannot be run by faith. It can be run into the ground by it, though. If you don't believe us, just look to George Bush.

3. This whole thing about delaying the campaign until this economic crisis is resolved? (See video below.) What the fuck. No. McCain has been running for almost a YEAR now while serving as senator. Obama (second video) is correct (and negligent, just like McCain and any other senator who bails out on Congress to run for president): they've gone this far; now we need to know who is smart enough to start to turn things around.





4. George Bush warns us that we're facing 'a long and painful recession.' Really? Didn't he deny a recession just a few weeks ago? This was NOT hard to predict. Listen to Suze Orman, not George Bush. Dear Mr. Bush: Shut the fuck up. Seriously. Leave. Get out of the White House. Go back to Texas or leave the country. We're not just being angry. It must be miserable being George Bush, who has always seemed so sure of himself and his motivations, and now everything is falling apart. He has seriously run a legendary country into the ground, with the help of an administration of greedy yes-men.



We are mad. Burning up. This country has a fever right now. Is it going to perish? We get fever chills writing this, but yes, it is going to succumb to this sickness if we don't wake the hell up and throw out the assholes who are fucking up our country today. This isn't a diatribe in support of Barack Obama. It's desperation. Call Congress, send them emails and faxes, and tell them you are freaked out and want this shit managed properly TODAY, not tomorrow, not in November after the election, and not in February after the new president comes in.

Are you ready to lose all your money, your national identity, and possibly your life to the gluttony of a few fuckups in Washington, D.C.? No, really, ask yourself that right now. Are you? DO SOMETHING.

Meet Survivor's New Token Gay Guy

Charlie is a 29-year-old corporate lawyer from New York know-it-all who keeps his ego in check ("...almost the best at just about everything!"), says he's ultra-flexible, and has the mannerisms of Ross the Intern.

We think we're in love!


Watch CBS Videos Online

New Old Tori Amos Concert DVD!

Our muse, Tori Amos, sang at the annual Montreux, Switzerland music festival in 1991 (before her groundbreaking album Little Earthquakes) and in 1992 (post-superstardom). A new DVD-and-CD release commemorates these performances almost two decades later.

Tori Amos - Thank You


For fans and even musicians who may not be obsessive about Tori, this is a treasure, as we get to see a young woman of almost supernatural musical talent change from confident opening act (for The Moody Blues) to a star in her own right.



The CD track list is unsurprising, but even for those of us who have dozens (hundreds?) of bootleg tapes from the early '90s, these are among the earliest recordings and, certainly, offer up the best sound quality.

1. Silent All These Years
2. Precious Things
3. China
4. Crucify
5. Leather
6. Song For Eric
7. Upside Down
8. Happy Phantom
9. Winter
10. Thank You
11. Little Earthquakes
12. Precious Things
13. Whole Lotta Love/Thank You
14. Me And A Gun
15. Winter
16. Smells Like Teen Spirit

Are you as excited as we are??



More info about this and other Tori goodness at Undented.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck Shows Her True Colors (Of Shit)

Elisabeth Hasselbeck, The Big 'EH', does her best to present herself as "fair and balanced" on The View, often even agreeing to disagree with the ultra-liberal comedienne and former teacher Joy Behar.

But, uh, how do we say this? EH is totally tacky. Here she is at some kind of Republican rally giving her best High School Mean Girl gossip about Michelle Obama. You know, EH, if you are going to talk shit about someone, at least do it while they are there. Joy Behar has had many face-offs with guests on The View; she doesn't slam them once they leave if she sat there and smiled while they were there. We guess that's your niche on the show, huh?



Barbara Walters needs to can your ass already. Blind young Republicunts are a dime a dozen.

Matt Damon Is Scared Of Sarah Palin

Two reasons to love Matt Damon:

'True Blood' Stud Ryan Kwanten Is 'Sex On A Stick'

If you missed the premiere of HBO's new show "True Blood," by Alan Ball, creator of "Six Feet Under," this is some of what you missed.

The Aussie actor Ryan Kwanten had a shirt on in exactly one scene and spent most of the episode having sex. We hear he'll have a raging stiffy that he can't get rid of in an upcoming episode, thanks to drinking too much vampire blood.

We don't think he needs to drink anything to get hot. As one character called him on last night's episode, Ryan is pure "sex on a stick."

'Smallville's' Aquaman & Green Arrow

Is it just us, or has the CW gone all gay fetish porn?

Zac Efron Shirtless (And Pantsless?) Backstage At HSM3

Hmmm...maybe we're warming up to Zac a bit. We're pretty sure he's not wearing pants in that second pic...

Daniel Radcliffe: Very Naked In Equus Yesterday

From a preview show on Broadway yesterday...

Awesome New Courtney Love Tracks

Everyone loves to gawk and poke at Courtney Love. Whether it's leftover resentment from the Kurt Cobain years, her cosmetic "modifications," or her sudden and drastic weight loss, Courtney demands attention and usually gets it--but it's usually negative.

We say: Get over the Courtney-bashing! Clearly she has struggled publicly from time to time, but if you listen to her music, you'll understand her life from her perspective.

Here's a live performance of a track called "Letter to God," off her upcoming album. As with all of her music, this song is so sincere and honest and raw that it could be an uncomfortable listen the first time around, but trust us, it will grow on you.



Go to Courtney's MySpace page to hear the studio version of this song, along with "Pacific Coast Highway" and "Car Crash"--great, GREAT songs.

Sarah Palin's Glasses Are Just For Show??

According to Simon Doonan, outspoken celebrity verbal bitch-slapper, VP Candidate's glasses aren't even needed--they're just there to make her look smart.

"Oh, she is so LensCrafters I just don’t even know where to begin," Si-si told New York. "People keep saying to me, ‘She’s Miss Congeniality.’ I’m seeing more LensCrafters."

Doonan claims that Palin had Lasik surgery years ago and wears eyeglasses to make her look smart.

“The eyewear is just like, ‘I’m a serious, thinking kind of woman,’" Si-si went on. “So she really is like the LensCrafters lady.” But he says having a preggers teenaged daughter makes 'The LensCrafters Lady' seem “more real.”

Here's the faboo Doonan talking about his day job as a window dresser at Barney's New York. In it, he coins possibly the best personal philosophy ever stated: I like to think of myself as deeply superficial. (You know the LensCrafters Lady thinks of herself as deeply deep, especially with the glasses on.)