Today's Most Obvious Headline: "No One Wants Perez Hilton's Clothing"

Our favorite magazine, New York, posted an article today with the title "No One Wants Perez Hilton's Clothing Line." Uh. DUH!

Everybody who wants to look like Perez Hilton clap! STOP STOP I'M GOING TO GO DEAF!!! Um, or not. Sure, plenty of people want his glamorously silky hair, his ripped abs, his gorgeous face...but his clothes? Nah. But wait!! The clothes are from...

HOT TOPIC!! You know you want them.

Blech.

Still, it's fun to read about, so here's a snippet from New York magazine.

Last Saturday night, Perez Hilton tore himself away from drawing on photos with MS Paint to make an appearance at a Hot Topic at a Los Angeles mall to launch his new clothing line. You know, the one that includes blog flip-flops? We couldn't believe such items would actually be made and put up for sale in a real store. But we assumed if a retailer like Hot Topic was investing in the product, people were bound to buy. But then no one showed up to the launch event. But then, this report emerged on Jossip from an employee of that very Hot Topic:

ONLY 7 people showed up.SEVEN.That’s it.Mario was BEYOND upset texting and DEMENDING the right water,food,ETC he was a rude royal pain in the ass and BEYOND crass... My manager was trying to get people to come in to meet Perez by handing out $5 gift cards NO ONE WANTED TO MEET HIM! ...he left around 8:45PM without saying goodbye to anyone & looked like he had been crying like the little bitch he is. We sold a grand total of $6.45 of Perez Hilton items between 6PM - 9PM. My manager has already talked about discounting his ‘line’ !”

Perhaps if Hot Topic had asked itself, "Is this a person people want to look like, dress like, and be like?" it would have realized, like everyone who didn't show up to this sad little party, the answer is a resounding "NO," and this grand embarrassment would have never occurred.

Update: A representative of Perez Hilton says that the entire quote from Jossip is fabricated: "No one from Jossip ever spoke to anyone at the store; over 100 people attended the event and there is a video to prove it." Moreoever, it seems that everyone had to buy $20 worth of merchandise to be admitted into the store/party/fustercluck. Well then! Allow us to change tack: If a person who bought blog flip-flops is out there, please come forward. We would love to talk to you.

Letter to Perez Hilton: Watch Your Back!

Dear Perez,

We just saw that you posted the above photo of our beloved soulmate, Ian Somerhalder, and compared him to that Austrian psychopath who kept his daughter locked up for decades, repeatedly raped her and had children/grandchildren with her.

What the eff! First off, that's just wrong. Like beyond Perez Hilton wrong.

Secondly...what the eff! Ian frickin' Somerhalder, the Second Coming, the Prodigal Son, looks nothing like that Nazi psycho.

Don't mess with GuyStyle, Mario, and don't even think of messing with our unofficial mascot Ian! He's absofreaking gorgeous. And that other dude? There aren't many people that scary looking...we mean, the crazy hair, the wild eyes, the crooked mouth, the cascading chins. There's maybe no one else that repulsive on the face of the...

Oh.

Right.



Hmm. We're more charitable than you are. We forgive you. It must be hard to get through the day, huh?

Hugs-n-kisses,

GuyStyle

Perez Hilton Effs Michael Buble: WTF?!

Forget work. This is Not Safe For Human Eyes.

Isn't it romantic?? Answer: HELLZ NO!

Above, Perez Hilton engages in lascivious and probably illegal activity with Michael Buble.

Michael Buble is kind of cute and stylish, but sort of a D-listed. Perez Hilton is extremely not cute or stylish, and became an A-lister by making fun of A-to-Z-listers. Apparently Michael Buble is trying to F his way up the list by bending over for Perez.

Seriously, Mikey, you're a little chubby, but surely you could bang Ian McKellan or something instead? He's cute, in a grandfatherly imp kind of way, and he's got more staying power than Perez.

Oh well. We dub the couple Perezelbub, after Beelzebub. Because this just ain't right.

Ginch Gonch Blowout Sale

Ginch Gonch announced a big blowout sale for Independence Day--so now you can open your packages under the fireworks and have Christmas in July!

And since we're in a celebratory mood, here's a video of the Ginch Gonch boys, Benjamin Bradley and Ethan Reynolds, partying with Paris Hilton...in their underwear, of course!



How many inches do you have in your Ginches?

Perez Hilton's Dirty Secret!

Now, this is just speculation...just a rumor, really, since it's so preposterous, but...

...since Perez has been recently videotaped with Ross the Intern (so sweet!) and now Jewel (so sincere!), we think Perez might actually be...

...wait for it...

...a nice guy!

No! It's not possible, is it?

Is it?!

Jewel says he's a "nice guy undercover."

All we know for sure is that he needs to work on his style.

Check out Jewel with Perez:

Lance Bass: Dancing with the Boys?

This just in from The Advocate: Rumor has it that Lance Bass is being courted for the next season of Dancing with the Stars. Seems natural what with Joey Fatone's dancing on the show last season.

But there's a catch: Disney might agree to pair Lance up with another guy! And why not? Everyone knows Lance is gay now, thanks to Perez Hilton.

We think Lance should do it, since he failed to make history when he came out the first time. (A little late after Ellen et al.) This is his big chance!

What do you think? Do you want to see Lance dancing with boys? Other than Justin Timberlake, that is?

Oh No! Perez Hilton with Ross "the Intern" Matthews

This is what's wrong with the world. Celebrity Fit Club's newly trim and always cuddly Ross The Intern appears on the perezhilton.com in a video with the style obliterator himself.

No, Ross, No! You were doing so well. You are the nice guy; Perez is the evil guy. Never the twain shall meet!

Oh well. I guess it's a lost cause by now.

Hey, Perez, let's be friends! I'll even gain 40 pounds and dye my hair fuchsia if you'll promote me on your blog. Because isn't that what friends are for? Publicity!