Class Action Lawsuit Against Tiger Woods

I have had it. I have summoned the spirit of the Great Johnnie Cochran and filed a class action lawsuit against the toxic sludge of a human being who calls himself Tiger Woods.

We are no longer fooled by your cartoon-cute name, Mr. Woods. The secret is out. You are a vile, horrible human being.

Just because are are richer than God and almost as rich as Oprah, you think that you have a right to...to what? Privacy? Is that it? After what you have done?

I don't know when I have been more hurt, felt more violated, than I did when I read this preposterous claim that you take responsibility for the devastation you have caused. This country is still healing from September 11 and Hurricane Katrina, Mr. Woods, and you go and RUN INTO A TREE.

A tree!

I am brought to tears just running through the events in my mind.

Your pleas will get you nowhere. You will be held responsible for this atrocious act of treason.

What about THE CHILDREN, Mr. Woods? Did you even think about THE CHILDREN before you hopped in your car and sent shock waves across the globe with...with...no, I can't even bring myself to write the words again.

A new circle of hell just opened up--the Tiger Circle--whose lashing flames will only speed Earth's global warming. We are all going to die a scorching death because of Mr. Woods's reckless behavior.

Don't just sit by idly and let this man continue to destroy our world. Join me in this class action suit. Together, we can make Mr. Woods atone for his sick, sick ways.