Fantasy Photoshoot

We're suckers for anything with homoerotic visual references to Jesus Christ, Ancient Greek deities, U.S. military circa WWII, and rodeos--but only if they're all combined!

Fortunately, photographer Gabriel Wickbold delivered with this "Fantasy" photoshoot.

New Madonna Video: Cause For 'Celebration'?

Madonna's new video is surprisingly unexceptional. As Madonna evolved in the '80s-'90s from straightforward dance music (complemented by straightforward, low-budget music videos), she used her platform to introduce music videos that challenged the world to accept a black Jesus ("Like a Prayer"), a flamboyant inner-city dance culture ("Vogue"), right-to-life decisions ("Papa Don't Preach").

The came the Music album, which paved the way for Madonna's new era of writing music about, well, music and writhing in her videos without much else going on.

Not a lot is going on in "Celebration." It's virtually the same as "Hung Up"--Madonna showing she's still nimble at age 50--but, fortunately for us, with a much easier-to-look-at outfit. This time Madonna's pelvis is not the fulcrum at the center of this video. But what is is equally disturbing...and interesting. The center of this video is none other than Jesus himself!

We mean Jesus Luz, of course, Madonna's controversial plaything. Midway through the "Celebration" video, after a couple of minutes of Madonna et al. twisting to the beat, comes Jesus in his lead debut as a DJ. After a couple minutes of making lascivious faces (which would be absolutely disgusting on a man of a certain age) and sexually suggestive movements, Madonna cozies up to the "DJ" and removes his clothes, piece by piece. Like us, Jesus looks vaguely disgusted.

Artistically, "Celebration" may be somewhat of a low for Madonna. Besides looking fresh as a genetically modified daisy in an Andy Warhol wig, Madonna is giving us more message than art. What's the message? It's an interesting one.

Madonna always has been defiant--so much so that this entire statement is a waste of words. But this defiance is a bit less obvious, more subversive. Madonna always has pushed the limit as a feminist working under the guise of a totally independent mind. Let's be honest: Madonna is downright creepy in "Celebration." If she were a fifty-year-old man making faces at a 20-something hottie, and then slowly removing her clothes while she makes uncomfortable faces, there would be a riot. Sure, rock stars are different, but even Steven Tyler has known since the '80s that to keep his fans liking him, he needs to feature hotties in vignettes within his video, not getting nasty with him. That would be nasty.

It's pretty nasty when Madonna does it, too--even if you are a fan of her brand-new face (which we are!). But here Madonna takes feminism to its next level. In "Celebration," Madonna is not on an equal playing field with her male rock-n-roll counterparts: She is above them. There is no such thing as a FILF, only a MILF, and Madonna's creepily meta-video shows who's boss. Madonna is a predator, and her fans would accept nothing less.

As for the song, she phoned it in.

"A Loving Warning To Teens": You're Going To Hell!

Ah, good old-fashioned Christian love! This sign, which appears outside of a church in Blacklick, Ohio, is an obvious reference to the popular Katy Perry song.

A few thoughts...

1. Did it actually take THIS long for that omnipresent song to make its way to the Ohio airwaves? Good Lord. (haha)

2. Katy Perry is actually Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson, the daughter of two pastors who developed her pipes singing in gospel choirs. Her first album, Katy Hudson, was a Christian gospel record.

3. Here's Katy Hudson singing about how her "Faith Won't Fail" her.



(Is it just us, or does the beginning of this track sound...demonic??)

4. Circa 2008, it looks like Katy's faith has failed her--or at least Havens Corner Church would say so. She's so gay, and she doesn't even like girls!



What would Jesus do? Hate, hate, hate!!!

Oprah's Newest Miracle: Tom Cruise Back On Top

A lot of people spend a lot of time whining about how "Oprah thinks she's God." Well, you can stop with the "Jesus Christ!" blasphemy and save some breath: "Oprah!" will do from now on.

We're sure you remember when, not long ago, Viacom head honcho Sumner Redstone gave Tom Cruise the ax, basically citing "psycho freak who scares people" as the reason.

Well, two days after the Big Two-Part Oprah Propaganda show, Redstone has eaten his words and welcomed back Tommy with open arms:

“What I can say is, I consider Tom Cruise a great actor and a good friend, and if Paramount decides to go ahead with him, I will not object.”

Just in case it wasn't already clear: Oprah. Is. God.

Or, if you preder, Oprah is Xenu.

Just in case you forgot the level of, er, alternate lifestyle that Cruise lives...

Mary Kate Olsen Loves Jesus, Weed, Boners

So here's Mary Kate Olson's most recent masterpiece. She has a guest run on the critically loved Weeds, on Showtime.

It's hard to tell if her acting is good or bad here. Most likely somewhere in between, weighing heavy on the side of bad. But she's supposed to be a stoned Jesus freak who says "I see your boner...It's part of God's love," so who the hell knows?

Hopefully Mary Kate will bring in some younger viewers because we are madly in love with the show's star, Mary Louise Parker, who is an absolute goddess.



Oh, and in case you're wondering, this is relevant to men's style because the Olsens are cross-dressers sometimes.

Birthday Suit: Ryan Phillippe

Ryan Phillippe turns 33 today. Happy Birthday, Ryan! You're the same age as Jesus Christ when he was crucified. Not that that means anything. We hope you don't get crucified.

Also, here he is with blue hair and Angelina Jolie from an old movie (you can tell it's old because Angelina appears to have at least 4% body fat).

Aren't they pretty?

Shouldn't they breed?

Er, we mean date.