Many years ago, this was a moderately popular blog, sometimes averaging up to 800 unique visitors a day (24,000 a month). I was trying to create something akin to some of the popular celeb/pop-culture blog like dlisted.com, but with an extra-gay spin. I lost interest for the most part because, really, I never believed in simply promoting half-naked men's bodies to get web traffic. And yet I did it. And then I pretty much stopped. I don't know if anyone will ever read this, and that is actually somewhat reassuring because it's going to disclose a lot of very personal feelings.
- I have worked very, very hard at all of the jobs I have ever held.
- I have worked hard to pursue creative interests and education related to the things in life that I have valued to date. I was an honors student in college and because of the worthlessness I felt about myself when I was young, I always felt I would be dead by age 25. I am 35 years old now, and so I have exceeded my own expectations about what I would accomplish.
- I have always, always lived by the so-called golden rule. I now accept, as of this week, that it is no more a part of the real world than Santa Claus.
- I recognize that I am entirely self-involved and caught in a cycle of self-pity that contributes to my depression.
- But I also recognize the reality, which I denied for a long time, taking responsibility for these things myself, that every single gay man I have met in the past four years in Washington, D.C. has rejected me outright because of my appearance or my social status, and not only rejected me romantically but rejected me as a valid human being with any intrinsic value. I have simply been erased from existing in their worlds.
- I used to write for a major LGBT outlet, and I have believed strongly in advancing LGBT civil liberties. Right now, I am thinking that I may have been wrong all along. I have always been gay, and I have always been out, and I have always held and lived according to what I thought were basic tenets of living a "good" life: respecting other people, respecting oneself to the greatest extent possible, living honestly, being kind. I have forced myself against all contrary evidence over and over and over for 35 years that these things were real values in a real world, but every single experience with every single gay man has been contrary to this. The gay men I've met in Washington, D.C. truly value standard good looks, gym-hardened bodies, youth, money, and professional standing and connections. Not only do my values not figure into theirs, but they do not figure into the real world.
- The woman I knew who just died--there is no justice. She was as close to a saint as I have ever known. Obviously senseless deaths occur, but hers hit me hard and it feels like a proverbial ton of bricks being dropped on me to give me the message to pay attention to what has been going on in my life all these years: good is not rewarded. It is not even valued.