Class Action Lawsuit Against Tiger Woods

I have had it. I have summoned the spirit of the Great Johnnie Cochran and filed a class action lawsuit against the toxic sludge of a human being who calls himself Tiger Woods.

We are no longer fooled by your cartoon-cute name, Mr. Woods. The secret is out. You are a vile, horrible human being.

Just because are are richer than God and almost as rich as Oprah, you think that you have a right to...to what? Privacy? Is that it? After what you have done?

I don't know when I have been more hurt, felt more violated, than I did when I read this preposterous claim that you take responsibility for the devastation you have caused. This country is still healing from September 11 and Hurricane Katrina, Mr. Woods, and you go and RUN INTO A TREE.

A tree!

I am brought to tears just running through the events in my mind.

Your pleas will get you nowhere. You will be held responsible for this atrocious act of treason.

What about THE CHILDREN, Mr. Woods? Did you even think about THE CHILDREN before you hopped in your car and sent shock waves across the globe with...with...no, I can't even bring myself to write the words again.

A new circle of hell just opened up--the Tiger Circle--whose lashing flames will only speed Earth's global warming. We are all going to die a scorching death because of Mr. Woods's reckless behavior.

Don't just sit by idly and let this man continue to destroy our world. Join me in this class action suit. Together, we can make Mr. Woods atone for his sick, sick ways.

Moooore New Gaga: "So Happy I Could Die" (Instrumental) , "Dance In The Dark"

More New Gaga: "No Way" and "Second Time Around"

These are more conventional-sounding pop tracks, but solid. If her fashion icon pop star ever fizzles out, she's definitely got longevity as a songwriter. No question.

Listen To New Gaga Now: "Telephone" Feat. Beyonce

More Gaga awesomeness.

In addition to this and "Bad Romance," we've also heard "Alejandro" (love it!!) and "No Way" (jury's out) from the new Fame Monster album.

Even if you hate her unconventional image and antics, you've got to give Lady Gaga credit for musicality. Her music is '80s, '90s, '00s and beyond.

PS22 Students Sing Tori Amos's "Winter's Carol"

Soooo good!

This song is on Tori's new "Midwinter Graces" album, and it's also in her musical, "The Light Princess."

Just For Fun

New Gaga iPhone Karaoke App: Record Your Music & Share With Others!

Lady Gaga has partnered with a company called iOKi to create a new exclusive iPhone app that will let you sing along with, record, and share your versions of her music with other people!

And, according to TechCrunch, it's actually a great app! (We'll believe it when we hear it.)

Using the app is pretty straightforward: you choose a song, and the app launches into its viewing mode, where the lyrics pop up on your iPhone screen just as they would on more tradional karaoke machines. Depending on your setup, you can have the backing music and vocals come from either your phone’s headphone jack or its built-in speaker (your vocals can go in through either your headphone’s built-in microphone or the phone mic). The interface is easy enough to figure out within a few seconds, though I think it looks a bit bland given the iPhone’s penchant for glossy things. Once you’ve recorded a song, the app will present you with a link that you can use to share your recording across the web.

The app launches in the iTunes and App Stores on November 23, the same day as the release of Gaga's much-anticipated Fame Monster album.

We love Gaga, but we are incredulous about one thing. At her recent concert at DAR Constitution Hall in Washington, D.C., she asked the audience, "What is the one thing I hate more than anything in the world?"

The audience was dumbfounded.

Gaga roared: "MONEY!" And then she sang "Money, Honey."

For someone who allegedly hates money (she has said that she spent all of her money to pay for her Fame Ball tour), she she does a lot of cross-marketing. Surely she makes money off of her songwriting for Michael Bolton, Adam Lambert and others, not to mention Gaga-themed merchandise, TV appearances and now...a Gaga iPhone app? There's nothing wrong with making money, especially as a pop idol who worships pop, but we don't love the shades of hypocrisy we see in this behavior.

So Gaga, either stop saying you hate money and its corruptive power of illusion, or give me some, already. Lord knows you've got enough to spare by now!

Here's an iOKi tutorial video to ease your learning curve, because you KNOW you're gonna download it on Tuesday morning.

Adam Lambert Q&A: Gaga "Down to Earth"; Gene Simmons "A Dick"

Rolling Stone's new Q&A with Adam Lambert reveals a few more details about his forthcoming album, For Your Entertainment.

On the campy album artwork:

But that's what I was like when I was on Idol! When I did 'Ring of Fire,' that was pretty camp, so I don't understand why the cover is a surprise. People are forgetting me at my wildest--with platform boots and rhinestones around my eyes. Is the album cover that much of a departure?

On Gene Simmons sucking:

Gene Simmons spouted something, that he thought I'd ruined my career by coming out. He's obnoxious, and what a hypocrite--all he talks about is his sex life. He was being a dick--and he's not the greatest singer. I guess he's a good businessman, I'll give him that.

On his favorite songs:

Goldfrapp's Supernature was on heavy rotation for, like, a year. It's electronic, but it has an organic, psychedelic feel to it. When I heard they were working with Christina Aguilera, I was like, aww, she beat me to it.

On working with Gaga:

Even though she seems super-eccentric and out there, as a person, she's really down-to-earth--very New York. The song was a demo of hers from three or four years ago. At the end of the session, we had a drink--and then recorded more after some whiskey. The song captures us partying.

We haven't been totally blown away by his first couple of tracks--from the 2012 soundtrack and the title album track, "For Your Entertainment"--but we still love Adam Lambert for his vocal prowess, style, and oozy sexuality. And we are SO looking forward to the Gaga collab!

Tori Amos: "Midwinter Graces'" Previews 'The Light Princess'!

I'm not going to waste your time reviewing Tori Amos's brand-new album, Midwinter Graces, because 1) Others have written excellent and well-researched reviews (see Undented for links to many); 2) I'm obviously biased; and 3) Anyone who is a Tori Amos fan doesn't need a review in order to give any of her new work a chance.

But that doesn't mean I don't have anything to say about it.

First, in my opinion, this is Tori's best album (as a whole) since 2001's Scarlet's Walk. I never stop hoping that she will tap back into the energy that unleased Boys for Pele on the world, because that album's raw emotion and experiemental composition and orchestration is, simply, a beautiful piece of architecture. But Scarlet's Walk, which Tori calls her "sonic novel," is a true masterpiece. Taken in from beginning to end, and taking the months (years?) necessary to parse the human, historic, geographic and spiritual elements that make up the album, it's simply a work of genius. Those who think it is too even-keeled are mostly fans who miss Tori's fire, and those who think it is too esoteric simply are not convinced that it's more than pop music, or aren't interested in music being any more than simple entertainment.

Midwinter Graces is Tori's second "librarian" work. It is the product of what makes Tori Amos unique and it is an example of her high ambitions coming together into a master work. All of her personal culture (minister's daughter, mother's daughter, feminist, expat, mother) and spiritual struggles and inquisitiveness (varieties of Western religious history and spiritual and magical beliefs) are threaded through these songs--but they don't suffer from it.

There is not a bad song or a failed experiement on this album. While some songs are straightforward reinterpretations of Christmas music, most are Amos essays, commentaries on her relentless faith that Christianity and other religious beliefs have strong, even holy, roots, but that they've been eroded by time and human corruption.

But don't worry: If that's something that you hate about Tori Amos (it's the main reason I love her, personally), you won't hear it if you choose not to. Midwinter Graces can be received as a simple gift of lovely holiday music that reaches back into history and forward into the future, and which is based on, above all other things, love, family and peace among men and women. There is nothing profane or even objectionable, unless you object to other people having points of view that are not exactly the same as yours.

The one song that pushes the 'holiday' genre envelope is also the best on the album. And most exciting, Tori reveals in the interview video that comes with the iTunes album download, that song, "Winter's Carol," is actually taken from her musical-in-the-works, The Light Princess.

During the period when I interviewed Tori in February of 2008 for Geek Monthly magazine, she wasn't shy about talking about the musical. Since then, she has said little about the project, although some of her comments have suggested that the project might be experiencing developmental difficulties, and might even be on hold. And let's be honest, Tori works best when following her own muse, not the instruction of stage directors and producers, and to imagine a (likely) piano-driven stage musical interpretation of a Victorian fairy tale about a princess who can't keep from flying except when she's underwater...well, let's just say that's classic Tori ambition.

But after hearing "Winter's Carol," I'm not only excited about the musical; I'm confident that it will live up to its potential, at the very least musically. I will be one of the first in line for tickets. And yes, I will fly to London just to see the play.

This album is a gift. If you haven't bought it yet, here is a preview someone made. (Just a note about this preview: It doesn't do justice to a lot of the songs--including "Winter's Carol"--as they typically undulate from verse to verse to chorus and back...so don't judge based upon 30-second previews!)



Happy Midwinter!

Levi Johnston Accepts Porn Award

According to Advocate.com, Levi Johnston--Palin background no longer necessary--accepted an award from Fleshbot, "For the bravery to be himself despite the pictures other people want to paint of him, and for taking control of his image and letting us all enjoy in it, the mainstream porn crossover award goes to...Levi Johnston."

According to Fox411, "Levi Johnston says [baby son] Tripp can pose for Playgirl, too." He clarified: "Seventeen no," said Johnston. "Eighteen, 19, he’s old enough to make his own decisions. If I’m doing it, I couldn’t tell him not to, I’d be a hypocrite. When he’s that age, he’s going to do what he wants to do."

We assume Johnston won't be getting the Daddy of the Year award from Parenting magazine.

Reportedly, Johnston's Johnson is making "his" debut as we type this, on some cheesy Playgirl set in New York.

Johnston told reporters last night that he won't do a live-action porn movie, but the chances of a homemade sex tape not showing up when his star starts to fade? We predict nil.

Is "crossover star" a fitting designation for Johnston? What, exactly, did he cross from and to? Nobody to public joke and jackoff bait? Oh well. At least this proves on a psychological level that anything sex-related will capture the attention of the average person.

File under "creepy, funny."

Britney Spears Tweets "Glory to Satan!" (Really!!!)

How does Britney Spears greet the new day? Like this:

"I hope that the new world order will arrive as soon as possible. --Britney"

"I give myself to Lucifer every day for it to arrive as quickly as possible. Glory to Satan!"

Well, then!

I was sooo excited to see this on Dlisted this morning, since I've always hoped that Britney actually wrote "666" on her forehead while she was institutionalized several years ago, as rumored.

Unfortunately, it turns out all to be a hoax. According to Brit's official Twitter, "Britney's Twitter account was just hacked. The situation has been resolved and we apologize for any offense the hacker's messages caused."

DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!

Sane Britney isn't half as fun as demon-worshipping crazy Brit.

} :-<

"Bad Romance" Video: Behind the Scenes with Lady Gaga

Do we love the "Bad Romance" video as much as everyone else seems to?

We're not so sure...but we do love Gaga's styling, especially the sea monkey-inspired crowned white outfits (vinyl versions of her gorgeous/grotesque red lace VMA outfit!).



Gaga's globe-trotting stylist, Nicola Formichetti, has really outdone himself--and anyone who has come along in at least ten years.

Between the two of them, they seriously make insanity look fun.

Gaga, Nicola: je veux ton amour et je veux ta revenge, je veux ton amour I DON'T WANNA BE FRIENDS!!!

Eff You Too, Citibank; Thank You, Suze Orman!

It's official: banks are the power-drunk husband and Americans are the cowering, bruised woman in the corner. Long gone are the days of "Dear Valued Customer" and in are the days of, "shut up and take it, Bitch. What are you gonna do, move out? As if you had any friends or anywhere to go."

Suze Orman has made me paranoid out of my mind about my finances, and one of the few things in my life that I can legitimately brag about is that my FICO score is in the "great" range. This means I have the power not to get screwed by abusive loan agents, et al. Right?

WRONG!

This letter was waiting for me in my mailbox when I got home from work tonight:

We are making changes to your account terms.

These changes include an increase in the variable APR for purchases to 18.99% and will take effect on December 20, 2009. As a valued customer, you have the ability to earn a special rate that is below your current purchase rate if you accept these changes. Whether you're looking to consolidate multiple balances into one easy-to-manage payment or have extra cash on hand for emergencies or unexpected expenses, this special rate is a great way to gain added control over your finances.

As always, you have the right to opt out of these changes and pay down your balance under your current terms. If you opt out, you may use your account under the current terms until the end of your current membership year or the expiration date on your card, whichever is later. At that time, we will close your account.

19%. This is a loan shark rate, not a legitimate bank's interest rate. And this is as good as it gets these days.

And don't think I didn't notice the lack of a greeting. Not even a cordial hello. Just: "We are making changes to your account terms," which is certainly followed in invisible ink by [and you can't do jack shit about it! HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA].

But even with that, it's the our-way-or-the-highway attitude that instantly turned my eyes bloodshot. If I don't accept their new terms, they will close my account. The account that I have had for, what, a decade now? A third of my life?

OK, so what are the terms, anyway? Oh, simple:

Here's how the special rate works:

• Transfer $3000 or more by December 10, 2009
• Receive a special rate of 9.99% on this balance transfer until January 1, 2009. This special rate is below your current purchase rate.
• In addition, effective December 20, 2009, you will receive this special rate on existing and new purchase balances until January 1, 2011,
• After that, your variable APR for purchases of 18.99% will apply to any unpaid balances under this offer.
• There is a 3% balance transfer fee with this offer.

Get that? This "special rate" requires 1) carrying a $3,000 balance before December 10, 2) accepting the extorsion rate after January 1, 2011 anyway, and 3) paying Citi an extra 3% ON TOP of the interest they are already stealing--er, charging.



This is where Saint Suze comes in. If I hadn't followed her advice and become uber-paranoid about money, I wouldn't have a good personal savings that makes me able to pay off my credit card balances from month to month. More importantly, I wouldn't have a great FICO score (or even know what a FICO score is, actually), and I wouldn't have any choice but to accept this kind of abuse.

But you know what? I don't have to. I decided to apply for a new VISA with my credit union and--guess what--I was pre-approved for a new card with the same balance as my Citi card and a SEVEN POINT NINE PERCENT interest rate. Yeah, you heard me.

So, Dear Citi, my here's my special offer to you: I will never use another card or account bearing your name or logo.

Treat your customers with some respect and maybe they'll do the same. Happy sinking.

Preview Tori Amos's "Midwinter Graces" Holiday Album!

The amazingly gifted, insightful and intelligent Tori Amos has graced us with Midwinter Graces, her first-ever seasonal album.

As might be expected, the album draws on historically religious and seasonal arrangements, but Tori tweaks them all, adding surprising (and surprisingly reverent and respectful) elements that make them all her own.

The music speaks (sings) for itself, but the most exciting and one of the most beautiful tracks of all is "Holly, Ivy, and Rose," a duet with Tori's daughter Natashya. It's gorgeous.

This is a great new seasonal album that doesn't bore with "new" interpretations of songs like "Jingle Bells" and "Frosty the Snowman." It's new enough to be revelatory and familiar enough to give you that warm tingle of the holiday season.

But don't listen to me. Listen for yourself:

Midwinter Graces