Sunday, March 1, 2009

Everything Falls Apart

I have been accused of being negative, gloomy, irrationally upset about things. Can someone offer an explanation for life? I am beyond desperate. Everything is falling apart.


My grandmother died unexpectedly on Wednesday. It was a complete shock. Her doctor cut off the methadone treatment that she had been on for a year and then prescribed seven new medications she had never taken before, and she died less than 24 hours later. My whole family is devastated, but my mother especially because she just lost her mother.

Yesterday, we rushed my mother to the emergency room for unbearable stomach pain. She thought it was irritable bowel syndrome. It turned out that she had had appendicitis and her appendix burst probably about five weeks ago, and now she has an abscess that could have killed her but miraculously did not. She also has some sort of bronchial infection and they've been giving her oxygen. She is a heavy smoker and the doctor just did X-rays and we're waiting for the verdict. The doctor seemed very gloomy about the situation. The way things are going, we are all preparing for the worst and trying to force some sense of optimism.

My mother and father have spent the past four years caring for someone else. They had no break between raising my sister and me and nursing my grandmother. I am 30 years old. I moved back home about three and a half years ago so that I'd have fewer expenses during grad school, and also to help my parents care for my grandmother. When Grandma died, it was very bittersweet, as her loss is painful and devastating, but she was suffering constantly in life and she is better off now.

I was so hopeful that my parents were going to be able to live, finally. For about one day, while mourning my grandmother, I felt hopeful and like there was freedom for us all. And then my mother took this devastating turn.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel like I can live through this. Why is life so unfair? Why can't it ever let up? Why can't anyone in my family EVER be granted the time and resources to be happy, even for just a year? I feel so desperate I can't even express it in words. I have never had a romantic relationship in my entire life. I absolutely hate my job, and I can tell they are losing patience with all my family emergencies. There is no one in the world I am closer to than my mother, and it is killing me to see her have to suffer the loss of her mother and all of these health problems of her own in less than a week. I am so angry at the world. I am so hateful. I do not believe there is any hope. Both of my parents have completely sacrificed thier own happiness and self-preservation since the day my sister was born 31 years ago, and nothing good EVER happens for them. Tomorrow is my father's 61st birthday, and that's the day my parents will get the results of my mom's X-rays. I am so afraid. My family cannot take any more. Why is life like this?

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