Guy Style

The Origin of The Sea Horse

2011-08-07T07:27:00.000-07:00

Sea Horses

The Sea Horse is one of Gods most amazing creations. A lot of people don’t believe it is real, but it is real and it has an amazing history. This is the history of the Sea Horse.

Years ago, like maybe a thousand or two, three brothers were born. They were triplets. Merlin, Marlin and Darwin. You probably know that when twins are born one is always normal and the other is always a retard. Triplets are a little different. With triplets, one of them is always magical, one is retarded, and one is magical and also an ingenious.

Merlin was the magical one. He was in the middle, not very smart and not retarded. He could change lead into gold and could get swords unstuck from rocks, but that’s about as good as it got with Merlin. He fell for the old trick of thinking that the king of France, then called Gall, was more important than Jesus, and so he fell into that trap. He did some amazing things over his years, but after awhile his tricks got old and everybody forgot about him. That was Merlin.

Marlin was the retarded one. He lied a lot and thought he could get away with it. Jesus turned him into a fish with long nose, like Pinocchio.

Darwin was the ingenious. Not only did he read a lot but he looked around a lot and figured out how things were related to one another. For example, he saw that some birds had beaks made just for pecking at tree bark and other ones had nutcracker beaks. He wrote a ballet about the second kind of bird and its still performed every year at Christmastime, that was his gift to Jesus. Merlin and Darwin fought a lot because Merlin was jealous of Darwin because his ballet was so popular with King Arthur who like most guys had a gay phase. So Merlin cast a spell on Darwin and made him an evil blasphemer who started this whole idea that there was no God and people are monkeys. Darwin went insane as a punishment, and from his crazy imagination came the sea horse. He never lived to see his creation because he killed himself which guaranteed he went to hell. Merlin laughed a lot about that, but even he thought the sea horse was pretty cool and secretly wondered while Jesus didn’t think of it himself. “Oh well,” he told Arthur one night in bed, “I guess Jesus can’t think of everything.”

A sea horse is a horse that was cursed by Darwin to live underwater. It has the head of a horse and the tail of a snake, also known as the devil. It has a big pouch for a belly but only a tiny mouth so it can never get full. Its always hungry, the poor sea horse, and even worse, the man horse has to have the babies. The woman horse is known as a she-horse or succubus, or she-demon, just like every woman. The Orientals, also known as Chinamen, think that sea horses have magical powers to make them horny and they eat powder made from crushed sea horses. They also believe over there that people are reborn as either a famous pop star if they are good people in this life or as a man sea horse if they are bad in this life, and then they get pregnant which nobody wants to do because it hurts so bad, and then they get eaten by famous pop stars who get a lot of sex. They call these stories reincarnation and karma. They also have something called yoga, which is a kind of stretching, and it probably makes them live longer than everyone else, so you should try it.

As you can see there is a lot of myth and magic mixed up in what we know about sea horses today. All we really know for sure is that they are horses that live in the sea, but they don’t have legs. That’s called evolution, something Jesus created to make it easier for the horses to hold onto seaweed underwater because legs aren’t very good for that.

Nobody knows what happened to Merlin. Although he had always sliced his wrists, when he was found Darwin was crucified for his blasphemy and burns every day for his sin, and Marlin’s great-great-great grandchildren can still be seen swimming the oceans of the world, but because they are retarded they get caught a lot and you can probably find one hanging on the wall in your local seafood restaurant.

What can we learn from the story of the Sea Horse?

1. Triplets are 33% more likely than normal people to come out retarded. But also 33% more likely to be magical.

2. It is natural to avoid people with big noses because they are all liars.

3. You should see The Nutcracker for Jesus’ birthday even though ballets are torture. Just think of it like church.

4. As annoying as they are, we have to love women because they keep us from having to have the babies, which is even worse than sitting through The Nutcracker.

5. The Orientals are smarter than the rest of us. They came up with kung pao chicken, karate which we all liked as kids, and yoga which is the secret to long life.

6. Everybody has a gay phase.

Big Dick Trumps Good Writing

2011-03-07T16:16:00.000-08:00

Headline says it all. Turns out a certain gay writer who used his natural endowments to campaign for and land a plumb writing gig (link NSFW--but good for hire) was onto something.

I wasted my time and money on an education. I should have invested in $40,000 of plastic surgery. Gay life would be so. much. better.

/end

Accents And Other Pretentious Affectations

2011-02-27T07:36:00.000-08:00

I was never a huge Giada De Laurentiis fan. Her almost unreal, almost solar smile, which stretches about three feet across her delicate face, seems forced. Her presentation style is: instruction, SMILE, instruction, SMILE, instruction, SMILE. And when a couple of friends told me years ago that her show, Everyday Italian, was "food porn," I realized that another unsettling element was the style in which her show was filmed, heavy on the fuzzy filters and slow camera pushes into extreme close-ups. Something just was not right about it.

But as I sit her watching Giada at Home, De Laurentiis's follow up series, I suddenly realize that she has grown on me. It must have been nerves or discomfort in front of the camera--or maybe she just got better direction from the Food Network--but her smiles are far less contrived on this series and, while a large part of me resents that her home (if it's not a set?) is perched right over the Pacific ocean, I find her utterly likable and down-to-earth. Which brings me to the subject of this post.

When De Laurentiis has come up in conversation with friends, colleagues, et al.--which has happens inordinately often--most people I talk to tell me they can't stand the pretentious way she pronounces the names of Italian and French foods and preparation techniques. "Yes," commonly goes the other person's rant, "we know you went to French cooking school. Get over it."

Yes, De Laurentiis studied at Le Cordon Blue in Paris. She is the granddaughter of legendary producer Dino De Laurentiis, and was born in Rome and raised in Los Angeles. In a sense, she's an heiress with a creative pedigree; in other words, by Hilton standards, she has every reason to have turned out to be pretentious and despicable.

But she's not. At all. In fact, De Laurentiis's presentation is casual, friendly, informal, and welcoming, and her food shows her training, but she's happy to use sharp cheddar and frozen orange juice from concentrate when her husband asks for them.

So why do people think De Laurentiis is affected? Because, mainly, of the way she pronounces Italian words. It is difficult to adapt to hearing someone speak in a perfect American accent and then, without a hiccup, say parrmeegeeyanno raygeeanno instead of par-muh-john cheese, and keep on moving. But the fact is, De Laurentiis was born in Italy and, even though she was raised in California, cooking appears to have been the focus of her life, and she was surrounded by Italian-speaking family.

What is pretense and affectation? It's when a person puts premeditated effort into coming across as socially "better" than they are, mindfully changing their way of speaking, body language, etc. See My Fair Lady for a lesson in pretense. De Laurentiis is even more real because of the way she pronounces Italian words; if she were to consciously change the way she speaks to sound less pretentious, she would become more so.

For a lesson in pretense, let's take a look at the most obvious example:

Yes, Madonna. Even before she picked up and moved to London, she took up an awkwardly artificial faux-English accent. If she had better acting chops like, say, Gwyneth Paltrow (more on her later), she may have gotten some leeway from the public, but when a really bad false dialect meets this:

...then you're really asking to be criticized. It's not that Madonna took up riding as a hobby--there's nothing wrong with that--it's that she decked herself out in high-society English riding attire and flanked her designer horse in ornate decorations. This is a person to whom public perception means everything.

This is not:

That's just someone being real, even if she is plugging her TV show and book.

The point is, European accents aren't necessarily the best indicators for pretension.

For example, Gwyneth Paltrow--a true master of English dialects and a tremendously talented actress and more than capable singer--was raised in New York City as Hollywood royalty, and she lives up to those expectations, unironically and probably unwittingly proclaiming herself to be not only more special, but actually better, than most of us. When she, like Madonna, moved to the U.K., she proselytized a macrobiotic diet (which she later said was responsible for early bone degeneration), high-society fitness regiment (introduced to her by friend Madonna), and started a website called Goop, on which she decreed herself an expert on...well, anything she wanted to be an expert on. It began as a Martha Stewart-ish cooking and lifestyle site and morphed into Gwyneth doling out advice on whatever she wanted, without any real concern for a lack of expertise or training. People dared to call her and her project pretentious.

Behold her response:

Not only is Gwyneth redeemed by the support of her many ardent followers, but she is forging ahead in her noble pursuit of telling people how to do things! I, for one, am heading over to Goop immediately after this commentary to learn how to manage my finances from someone who has always been a multimillionaire and who, I am certain, does all her own accounting and investing. Because she's just that good.

At everything.

Maybe or maybe not, but Paltrow is definitely a good actress. For her movie roles, she can believably play aristocratic or everyday English and even, sometimes, a pretty normal American, as she did in probably my favorite Paltrow film, Proof, as well more recently in Glee.

Paltrow saves her dialect for the camera and can even act unaffected, which is a pretty amazing acting talent.

Now, normally, I'd work on summarizing my commentary with a little nugget of wisdom, but I'm having some financial challenges, so I think I'm going to head over to Goop and get some learnin' done. Meanwhile, enjoy this Goop-y coming together of high and low culture:

Thank You

2010-11-24T17:25:00.000-08:00

To anyone reason this:

2010 has been the most trying year of my life for many reasons--family, medical, family medical, mental, work-related, just evertyhing--and I've written some pretty extreme things here, mostly without context. Nevertheless, I've received messages of support from so many concerned people. I've reached my breaking point at least a couple of times this year, and I truly have thought that there is not one good thing or good person left in this world...and then I get messages that make it impossible to deny that some people really do care.

Anyway. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I will be with my family for the holiday, and so before I leave, I wanted to make sure to say thank you to the people who I don't know, but who have shown me love anyway.

Thank you. Happy Thanksgiving.

Thankful For...Regina Spektor

2010-11-24T17:15:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to post a full review of Regina Spektor's newest release--Regina Spektor: Live in London, a CD and full blu-ray concert DVD--because there's no real point in gushing about her brilliance. I watched the full concert last night and was simply blown away by Spektor's talent. I'm watching it again right now. If you haven't given Spektor a chance for whatever reason--maybe you heard "Fidelity" on the radio and thought it was stupid, maybe you think she's too girly, maybe you just don't like her style of music or writing--you ought to go see her perform sometime. The New York-based Russian immigrant plays piano, keyboard and guitar. She sings a cappella. She writes all her own music and lyrics. And she's completely genuine, and even seems to be embarrassed by the attention she gets.

Just watch this performance of "Eet" before you make up your mind.

Robyn Goes Back To The Future

2010-11-24T16:46:00.000-08:00

Body Talk Pt. 3 came out yesterday, fulfilling Robyn's newest perfect pop formulation. Pt. 1, released last spring, was a mixed bag of dance-pop (Dancing On My Own, Fembot), electro-hip-pop (None Of Dem), and avant garde or unexpected acoustic tracks (Don't Fucking Tell Me What To Do, Jag vet en delig rosa). The song Hang With Me takes up real estate on parts one and two of Body Talk--acoustic on the first and mixed perfectly on the second. Body Talk Pt. 2 overall is edgier, with explicit (but fun) tracks like Criminal Intent and U Should Know Better, featuring Snoop Dogg. Part two ends with the stunning ballad Indestructible--Acoustic Version. From that name, we knew to expect a dance mix on Body Talk Pt. 3. Robyn doesn't disappoint.

Just as she did with her two versions of Hang With Me, Robyn pulls off the rare trick of making both an acoustic and an electronic-mixed version of Indestructible sound like the original. The acoustic version is as close as Robyn gets to a power ballad; the part three version is power pop. On the whole, Body Talk Pt. 3--brief at five tracks--is the most cohesive third of the trilogy.

On yesterday's issue, every song is pure dance-pop--no balladry, no hardcore. In Indestructible, she opens the EP singing, "I'm going back through time at the speed of light." The sound is very retro--a sonic theme that continues through every song on the EP. When she revs up her Time Machine engine (the second song on the album), we're solidly in the 1980s. And if you weren't sure from what decade Robyn was pulling, she gives you a handy Back to the Future reference ("All I need is a time machine/All I want is a delorean"), which is the song's extended metaphor. Call Your Girlfriend, the third song, opens with a fairly contemporary sound, but we're in full ABBA mode by the chorus. You'll love it, even if you didn't know how much you missed Electric Light Orchestra. Get Myself Together and Stars 4-Ever would have been perfect in the mid-90s, and they're pretty perfect now (although probably the weakest two songs on this mini-album, in my opinion).

Considered as a whole, Body Talk--parts one, two, and three put together--make for an astonishingly polished, diverse, and failure-free album. Normally an album with 24 original songs has some serious misfires, but at its worst, the weakest songs in the bunch (In My Eyes, Love Kills) are better than serviceable. It's incredible that Robyn isn't better known in the U.S., but at least she's appreciated by critics and the people who know her music.

Here's a taste of Part 3, if you're one of the sad few who don't have the album yet. Let's go back in time...

Fall Bounty: More Hot Chris Fawcett

2010-11-14T06:21:00.000-08:00

See more--or buy the clothes off his supple bottom--at Undergear.

Gorgeous Christopher Fawcett For The Holidays

2010-11-14T05:24:00.001-08:00

Sometimes publicists and model managers ask me to post pictures promoting photographers, models, products. A note to all: Use Christopher Fawcett, and you won't even have to ask.

In the past, I have obsessed over Ian Somerhalder and Ryan Philippe. Here is my new obsession.

Model Christopher Fawcett is just...he's just stunningly beautiful. There's no other way to put it.

Thanks to Undergear for bringing us some beauty and joy this holiday season. Behold Mr. Fawcett in all his glory. (Well, not *all* his glory, but pretty close in some of these pictures!)

A Comment On The Recent Wave Of Gay Teen Suicides

2010-10-02T08:24:00.000-07:00

This morning, I read about yet another gay teen who had killed himself this week because of having been emotionally tortured due to his sexuality. This isn't easy to write because it's honest, but I have very mixed feelings about the tragedy of these events. In many ways, I think these young men are better off. Many of my "friends" (via Facebook and Twitter, that is--not friends in real life) have encouraged me to post a video to The Trevor Project explaining how "it gets better." Well...in some ways it does, and in some ways it doesn't. Here's the story of my gay life, abbreviated.

I was a happy kid, and I got along with just about everybody in elementary school. When I was in fifth grade, some kid moved to my neighborhood from California and started calling me "faggot." By the next year, my best friend of five years was calling me a fag and he and a little pack of new friends were literally running me down on their bikes at the bus stop when I got home from school--they were still in elementary school; I was in my first year of middle school. From that year on, I was pinched and hit in the locker room, my ears were flicked in the classroom, and I was called every variation of "faggot" in math class, English class, business class, without a protective word from any teacher, ever. My own sister refused to sit next to me on the school bus, literally pushing me off her seat and into the aisle, where I squatted and was yelled at by the bus driver. My defense was to miss as much school as possible--40 to 44 days a year on average--and to convince people that I was dangerously insane. Every morning I woke up, my first conscious thought was, "oh, no, not again. Not another day." I read "The Final Exit" and even began to amass pills that had various effects on the nervous and respiratory systems, thinking that maybe the right combination would help me end the pain without rendering me a vegetable. I did not have a single friend again until college.

I flourished in college; it was the only happy period of my adult life. I had tried to join George Mason University's gay pride group, but the attempt was unsuccessful, as I don't have the social skills to meet new people, and none of the gay guys in the group had any interest in talking to me. I was befriended by a very gay guy in my French class who asked me to tutor him. He was a recovering drug addict and alcoholic with no driver's license, and I became his driver for a while. He took me to a group therapy of sorts led by a man named Ric Chollar, who was tremendously important to my later survival and helped me to deal with longstanding self-hatred. Through this group, I ended up involved with the gay pride group, and friends with the new boyfriend of the guy from my French class and a lot of lesbians. (None of the guys ever spoke to me.) Nevertheless, I was happier than I had been since childhood, and I excelled in my film and media studies--with a concentration in cultural constructions of sexuality and gender issues. I graduated among the top five in my class with honors and high distinction from the university. I thought I could do anything.

The next year, I was looking at grad schools, feeling on top of the world, when my sister told me that the kid from my childhood--the one from California who I had always regarded as the catalyst for my downward spiral--had partnered with Nelly and another bully from my high school to launch Vokal and Apple Bottoms clothing lines. He was a millionaire. I was...what? Working a job I hated, in debt, and I had never had a relationship. It is humiliating to admit, but learning the news of this person's success changed the whole psychological trajectory of my life. To me, it was as if I had been a Jewish escapee of a concentration camp and had just discovered that Hitler had also escaped and become emperor of his own small country. It all started again.

Ten years later, I am living in the heart of Washington, D.C.'s gay neighborhood. I have lived in my small studio apartment for almost a year now, and I don't have a single gay friend in real life. Over the years, I've tried many things to distract myself and make my world better. I went back to school and got an MFA in creative writing. I've tried writing fiction to turn my discontent into "art." I've painted for the same purpose--because color and the right composition can temporarily elevate life into something worth living. But I haven't had much success with either, and so I feel like a hopeless failure in those regards. I wrote for a little while for Advocate.com, contributing Q&As with entertainers, but eventually the company stopped paying me and then stopped responding to me. The reason I wrote for them was because I had this idea that, if I could get recognizable, high-profile people to speak out in support of gay rights, then maybe it would open the minds of their fans and make the world a little easier for LGBT people. But the company stopped paying me eventually after publishing many of my articles, and then the editor stopped writing to me altogether. Ultimately, that relationship did more harm to my self-worth than helped it. And that's the moral of this story: gay people are going to keep hating ourselves and killing ourselves as long as gay people continue to spread hate among one another.

Just minutes ago--the reason I am writing this--somebody on an online gay dating site wrote to me, unprompted, "YOU can email me when you get a better body. And face." That's the general response I've gotten from just about every gay man I have tried to befriend in my life. I've been called ugly, average, and told that if I work harder at improving myself, I might be worth knowing. "You can write to me once you gain some more muscle," one guy wrote, not long ago.

I am 32 years old now, and I still wake up thinking, "Oh, no, not again. Not another day," every day. Every single day. I spend my time alone in bed or with my family, who try hard to cheer me up. My sister wants me to stop feeling sorry for myself. My mother keeps telling me that someone is out there for me, somewhere, someday. My father always asks what he can do for me; he treats me like an absolute invalid. In other words, he pities me. There is no romantic involvement in my life, nothing sensual, no human connection, and I don't have anyone of my own kind on my side. I feel as alone as those kids did. I may represent their futures, if they had had them. I am not trying to say that they didn't deserve a chance, but if I am being completely honest--and I am right here, right now--then I have to say that I feel pretty sure their lives may be better over than as living hells.

I have tried therapy, and I've tried everything I can think of to make the world better, but the bottom line is that any person's experience in life is largely determined by the way that person is treated by others. I get mail from the Human Rights Campaign and other similar causes close to weekly asking for contributions, but I am a gay man who, despite great efforts to become involved in the so-called gay community, has been met only with rejection after rejection after rejection. I think about suicide during all of my waking moments. I go for walks during my lunch break and look down over bridges and think, "is today the day? Is this even high enough?"

My grandmother's life was ruined because her first husband revealed himself to be a gay man in denial. He died slowly from alcoholism, and she married my grandfather, a tortured and abusive alcoholic, and she hated all men--but especially gay men--for the rest of her life.

I don't believe that misery and self-hatred is the nature of gay men; I think it comes from knowing that, out in the rest of the world, we're not equals. But in my experience, gay men strive for perfection in everything, including other gay men, because we're always trying to prove ourselves worthy. Eventually, hopefully, this will change. But I still look down from every bridge I walk over, and I still spend time at home looking up lethal combinations of pharmaceuticals online, and I still take long baths and think about slicing open my veins. Because it just hurts to be here.

I wish I could say that "it gets better." The bullying itself? Yes, that gets better when high school is over. But the general misery? I don't know. Maybe for some. Not for this one. Not yet.

Gaga Tells The Senate

2010-09-17T04:59:00.000-07:00

Love her, hate her, can't bear one more moment of her, whatever. You've got to give it to Lady Gaga, our modern-day hippie.

Like civil rights activists of yore--and, really, no one since--Gaga has taken LGBT civil liberties to heart and has become a true outspoken activist. She has protested in Washington, D.C. on behalf of the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, and yesterday, she released this video on behalf of the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network.

Even if you don't like the woman's style or publicity antics, you've got to give it to her: She's consistent with her message and she's a more articulate and empassioned spokesperson that most. Imagine any other 25 year-old pop star (Britney? Ke$ha??) relaying such an elegant plea. You can't, can you? That's because there's only one Gaga.

Fantasy Photoshoot

2010-09-17T04:52:00.000-07:00

We're suckers for anything with homoerotic visual references to Jesus Christ, Ancient Greek deities, U.S. military circa WWII, and rodeos--but only if they're all combined!

Fortunately, photographer Gabriel Wickbold delivered with this "Fantasy" photoshoot.

Ricky Martin Gets Inked

2010-09-17T04:43:00.000-07:00

In case you missed it, Ricky Martin recently tweeted this picture of himself getting a tattoo on his shoulder/chest...looks like it hurts! We wonder what it'll be??

John Travolta Crashes Airplane Through Wall

2010-09-13T17:45:00.000-07:00

Oprah's Audience Freaks Out Again
Uploaded by TheDlisted. - Check out other Film & TV videos.

To commemorate Oprah's 25th anniversary, she and John Travolta thought it would be fun to fly an airplane through the wall of her set...two days after September 11!

Classsssssssssssssssssssssy.

But she is taking her whole audience to the land of Olivia Newton-John, Ryan Kwanten, Paradise Beach, and adorable koalas!!

Tastes Like Fall Cocktail Recipe

2010-09-13T16:22:00.000-07:00

For the first time since April, the temperature has dropped below 85 degrees.

In the face of global warming, we're officially declaring it sweater weather!

We wanted a taste for something crispy and autumnal, and we found a delicious-sounding "pumpkin divine cocktail" recipe. And then we discovered that we couldn't find Grey Goose poive and pumpkin butter on short notice, so we improvised--and for once, my improvisation turned out to be a good thing!

Without further ado, the Tastes Like Fall cocktail:

1 part SKYY ginger vodka
1 part pear butter
1/2 part simple syrup
1/2 part Triple Sec
Pinch ground cinnamon
Pinch ground clove
1/2 pinch grated nutmeg

Combine all ingredients in a cocktail shaker.

Shake till your arm hurts.

Strain.

Garnish with apple slice.
Drink.

Chill out.

Even The Vatican Knows Better Than To Fuck With Robyn

2010-09-12T06:43:00.000-07:00

Even the French know better than to fuck with Robyn.

Part two of Robyn's 'Body Talk' sonic triptych reveals the genius behind the body of work's three-part structure. Part 1, released earlier this year, showcased Robyn's diverse talents, but felt incongruous and stunted by its short conclusion. The album gave us the straightforward dance-pop track "Dancing On My Own," aggressive electro-hip-hop "None of Dem," and two acoustic tracks, one a traditional Swedish ballad, and the other, "Hang with Me," quiet standouts from the rest. The first album didn't have a weak song, but taken together, it felt like a bit of a mishmash. But the second mini-album brings it all together; "Hang with Me," for example, gets a spectacular dance-pop treatment. Without the time and space that separates 'Body Talk Pt. 1's' acoustic version from this one, either might seem like a weaker version; but given the distance the staggered release gives us, each version can be appreciated on its own merits. And to Robyn's credit, both versions are great successes, taken on their own or together.

Part two also gives us a bit more of the Robyn that impressed us with her recent self-titled release, with the bitingly hilarious "Criminal Intent" and the self-aggrandizing "U Should Know Better," a duet with Snoop Dogg. In turns, Robyn informs us on "U Should Know Better" that everyone, including the French, the Russians, the FBI, the CIA, and (most bravely?) the Vatican "should know better than to fuck with me." Robyn's strengths are her delivery--such hip-hop bravado from a blonde Scandinavian pop tart never ceases to surprise--and her writing. She disguises unexpected moments of hard-hitting emotion with a unique wit, achieving something more than run-of-the-mill entertainment value. The final track on 'Body Talk Pt. 2,' "Indestructible," is a fragile and heartfelt piece, but the (Acoustic Version) tag keeps us looking forward to part three. We expect a stomping dancefloor-friendly version to follow, but with Robyn, it's hard to predict. Which is exactly how she keeps us wanting more.

Check out "Hang With me" and "Criminal Intent":

Gorgeous Model Christopher Fawcett Surfaces At Undergear

2010-09-12T06:22:00.000-07:00

Christopher Fawcett (aka--to us, anyway--Chris Flawless), the male model who has officially supplanted Ian Somerhalder and Ryan Phillippe as prettiest man alive, has shown up recently in a Nordstrom campaign...but we're much more interested in his current appearance at Undergear.

As evidence of Chris's Flawlessness, we encourage you to zoom in on the photos and check out every detail...mmm...

Ronnie Kroell's Naked Playgirl Pics Are Out

2010-06-15T04:21:00.000-07:00

Remember Ronnie from Bravo's "Make Me a Supermodel"?

Or maybe you forgot him but suddenly remembered after all the hype about his decision to pose for Playgirl...

...well, we don't have the naked photos here, but if you click the picture above, you might be in for a "big" surprise.

Consider it an early Father's Day present.

Brilliant Betty White Made the Best of SNL

2010-05-09T07:40:00.000-07:00

Betty White is infallible. Case closed.

Her appearance on Saturday Night Live last night was truly revelatory--of better and worse. Let's start with the better.

That, of course, is Betty! The 88-and-a-half year-old--as she was scripted to announce a few too many times last night--is a marvel. Despite the return of many of SNL's best comic actresses (Tina Fey, Molly Shannon, Ana Gasteyer, Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch, and Maya Rudolph), Betty outshone everyone in the cast...and it's clear the other actors weren't just letting the feeble old lady win. They were trying.

But to no avail. Betty White kicked (!), rattled off obscenities, and poked fun at her age tirelessly...until it became tired. But that's not her fault.

Here we come to the "worse" part: SNL itself. Everyone knows that the writers work at a break-neck pace, and this show must have been even more difficult than usual, given that the production was working with a much older star who probably has some reduced stamina (although it was not evident last night--let's hope Betty wasn't shot up with amphetamines or anything for the sake of the show!) and the necessity of bringing back the favorite creations of the great SNL ladies above--such as Shannon and Gasteyer's NPR ladies (Betty's dusty old muffin stole it!).

But even with those constraints, why did the show have to be so one-note? Betty White isn't just older, she's pretty damn old at 88. OK, we get it. Ha-ha. Let's move on. Although Betty was creepy-funny in those God-awful MacGruber episodes (Does ANYBODY really like that dreck? Every time one of those things come on, I usually change the channel.), that time could have been used for something better. Even the skits that weren't really about her old age--like the funny-at-first "lesbian" one below--really were about her old age, the real joke being, ha-ha, the old lady is the only one willing to say 'lesbian'!

Like what?

How about a Golden Girls revival? Imagine an even older, vulgar, cynical Rose. Or imagine Betty White as Blanche, who she originally tried to be cast as? And imagine the rest of the cast: Rachel Dratch as Sophia! Ana Gasteyer as Dorothy! Tina Fey as Rose! (The least unlikely, but that could make it the most interesting.)

Or what about a parody of The View? I can't imagine anything in this life that would be better than watching Betty White do a merciless portrayal of Barbara Walters. Her age would be an implicit joke, suggesting a much older Barbara Walters, but the skit wouldn't be dependent on that. And you know Betty would have done it.

The one thing the show did reveal--which we probably suspected already, given the world's love for the actress--is that Betty White will do just about anything for a laugh. So why no PETA skit for the notorious animal lover? Why not something, anything but another old lady joke?

The videos below reveal that Betty White is her very own self-made phenomenon. She's one of the rare living legends who lives up to the legend. It's just such a shame that this once-in-a-lifetime SNL hosting gig had to be all about her age rather than her brilliance as a comic actress. Betty is better than last night's show. But, really, wasn't that inevitable?

You knew Betty White is funny. But did you know she could sing?

Long live Betty White. May she forever be better than her material.

My New Sarah McLachlan Interview!

2010-05-08T06:38:00.000-07:00

I've been really under the weather for a couple of months, so I've hardly written anything here. I just don't have the energy. But with my medical mysteries still unresolved, maybe this is a good time to start looking at my bucket list.

Everyone's talking about their bucket lists these days, so here's one more check mark on mine! I have interviewed a few of my favorites--Tori Amos, Jewel, even Kathy Griffin--but a few have remained unreachable thus far...Fiona Apple, Sarah McLachlan, and Gaga to name a few. But wait! One of those is coming off the list!

I just interviewed Sarah McLachlan, one of my very favorite musicians! She was exactly as expected--gracious, forthright, and smart. We discussed her upcoming album, The Laws of Illusion (that's the beautiful cover artwork above), her new single, "Loving You is Easy" (video below), and Lilith Fair.

I also had the opportunity to talk with one of Sarah's three Lilith Fair partners, Terry McBride, who is a major force in the music industry, as president of Nettwerk Music Group. He revealed exciting--and very ambitious--plans for Lilith Fair, including the establishment of a new charity program called i4c.

The interview is up at Advocate.com. Check it out and let me know what you think!

Sarah Palin To Launch Her Own TV Network

2010-04-11T08:47:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's true! Watch the announcement below.

OK, it's not true. But it's funny.

Oh, for the record, the brilliant Photoshop work featured above is not my doing. It's from a blog called "The Sarah Palin Information Network." Turns out Palin's fans are just as good with the new-fangled computer technology as they are with, uh, not getting pregnant.

Oprah Really Loves Gaga!

2010-04-11T08:05:00.000-07:00

Shocker!

We know Oprah had Lady Gaga on her show, and most of what Oprah features on her show is what Oprah loves.

(Oprah loves Oprah! We know it; we love it. Most of the time.)

But Oprah makes a huge revelation in the 10th anniversary issue of O, The Oprah Magazine. In it, Oprah is interviewed by a handful of women fans, plus GAAAAAAYYYYYYLE KIIIIIIIIIIING! [Gayle is so important, she must be introduced in Oprah Voice.] Here's a bit of the interview:

Gayle: Who's your favorite musician on your iPod right now?

Oprah: Gaga.

Fan: If you could sing any karaoke song, would it be Lady Gaga?

Oprah: It would definitely be a Tina Turner song. Because if I can see myself as anybody, I can't be Gaga but I can be Tina.

First of all, with all due respect to The Mighty Oprah, it's impressive that someone of her age (56) can stomach the image of Lady Gaga, much less actually like her music, which--let's face it--even if you're older and appreciate Gaga's creative styling, her kind of electropop is unlikely to appeal to people of a certain age.

Big points to Oprah!

The Day The Lights Went Out In Georgia

2010-04-11T07:13:00.000-07:00

I am aware that to most people, the idea of a sitcom character serving as a mentor and a beacon of hope is a pretty ridiculous thought.

But then came Julia Sugarbaker.

"Designing Women" aired from 1986 through 1993--in my life, that took me from elementary school through high school. (I graduated in 1996.) Who cares? Probably no one.

But as a gay adolescent, the sensibility of this show resonated with me: Delta Burke's Suzanne Sugarbaker was ridiculous and endearing, Jean Smart's Charlene was the South's answer to Rose Nylund from "Golden Girls," and Annie Pott's Mary Jo was...well, she was kinda boring, actually.

And then there was Julia. This is one of the most strongly written characters in the history of television, but regardless, most of the credit for Julia Sugarbaker should go to Dixie Carter. She regularly turned monologues that, if we saw them written on the page, would be ridiculously superficial, into pillars of strength in their own right. And despite her usually heroic rhetoric within the simple little show plots, Julia Sugarbaker was the one character who was so real that she transcended mere entertainment. My mother, for example, could not stand to watch her; she thought Julia Sugarbaker (and, therefore, Dixie Carter) was a holier-than-thou wealthy Southern heiress--and my mother and I used to argue regularly about Julia's relative good-vs-superficial nature. Those arguments at the time were a way in which I communicated to my mother--my closest ally in life--how important it was becoming to me to see people stand up for who they are, even when others simply cannot relate. And I always knew that my interest in "Designing Women," my love of Suzanne Sugarbaker's antics with her pet pig Noel, and my respect for the way Julia battled with Suzanne but also served as her guardian, spoke volumes to my family about my own developing nature as a gay man.

It may seem overblown, but it's true. And the show "Designing Women" would have been nothing without its anchor, Julia, in whose domain almost every episode took place. And who can imagine anyone but Dixie Carter in the role of Julia Sugarbaker?

Dixie Carter died yesterday. Take a look at some of her scenes and pay special attention to how important her performance of the funny, but straightforward, words was to the creation and development of Julia Sugarbaker. She added a huge helping of aggression and a healthy dash of comic insanity, and in the proecess made Julia a very real person.

Tori Amos & Cyndi Lauper Duet: No Joke!

2010-03-20T19:57:00.001-07:00

It's called "Why Don't You Love Me?"

What do you think??

As one would expect from these two geniuses, there's a lot more to the song than meets the ears. It is, er, an imagined duet between Estrella and Imelda Marcos. Uh huh. That's what it is.

For the full story, go to Undented.

I Am Over New York

2010-03-13T16:14:00.000-08:00

I first went to New York in 2000 for what was called an "Alternative Spring Break." For one college credit, I spent ten days living in a hostel called Jazz on the Park and volunteering with various AIDS-related programs all over the city, including GMHC, LifeBeat, and two of the most life-affecting things I've ever encountered, Housing Works and the Lower East Side Harm Reduction Center, a needle exchange for IV drug addicts.

Besides being one of the few actually important things I've ever done with my life, the trip showed me New York City, which quenched my spirit's hunger for a veritable jungle of towers and lights. It was so big that it makes my home city of Washington, D.C. feel like a small town (it actually kind of is, except without the whole community thing), and its residents' artistic interests and talents are simply unheard of here in D.C., where people's egos rival those found in NYC, but who care absolutely nothing about substance which--I always thought--was not the case in New York.

I've held onto this idealized sense of New York in my mind. I've always wanted to live there, but have never had an opportunity. Without an opportunity, I've always felt too financially insecure to simply pick up and move there with no prospects, which, of course, all of the great New York successes claim to have done.

But I am a sometimes painter and sometimes writer and, to date, neither of these endeavors has gotten me very far. I've established a couple of wispy roots, but these roots are not anchored very deeply for either endeavor, and now I am convinced that they would not be even if I were in New York, a city that I always thought was a haven for creative minds.

I finally know better. What a moron.

My favorite magazine is New York, the pop-culture rival (by the same publisher) of the high-minded magazine The New Yorker. I love its sensibility, and I love its better-than-average analyses of popular entertainment. A recent story on Rupert Murdoch was incredibly compelling.

But that story helped me to realize what I probably already knew: To be anything in New York, really, you have to be something like Murdoch. The first few pages of New York are the society pages, which quote and feature photos of the "power people"--those pretty waifs and their pasty-saggy billionaire husbands, and the token Broadway and music biz gays. That's up front because that's what matters in New York.

Further evidence is found on what may disturbingly be two of the most real of reality shows--disturbing because they feature unwatchably disgusting individuals who are actually coveted acquaintances in New York. The first of these shows is Bravo's atrocious "NYC Prep," which not only featured repugnant young people who will (God willing) die of overdoses if they can't keep their pictures in the likes of New York. The second, and worse, if only because it is actually slightly compelling, is The CW's "High Society."

Where to begin with "High Society"? According to the network, "HIGH SOCIETY follows Tinsley Mortimer, New York's most talked-about 'Park Avenue Princess,' as she and her circle of often-controversial friends circulate through New York's most prestigious black-tie affairs, outrageous parties and fashion exclusives, with never-before-seen access from behind the velvet rope."

But the reason people will watch (let's hope they don't) is her so-called "controversial friends," who include a young woman who claims in the first episode that she cannot stand being around homosexuals and people of color (she thinks the word "nigger" should be used more liberally) and her apparent arch-rival, the sadly desperate and unfunny gay sidekick friend, who boasts of being featured in Page 6 because of his bow ties, theft, and repeated overdoses. His mother gives him $25,000 in the first episode, which he spends on everything that is New York High Society. He wanted $50,000.

I could go on and on about how these real-life "Gossip Girl" characters (oh yeah, there's that show, too) are bad for adolescents, etc., but that's really not my point. My point is: I No Longer Heart New York. These peeks into the lives of the power people of NYC just make me think it's D.C. without the substance, and that's saying a lot. At this point, Hollywood seems like the least of the three evils, if only because of its usually beautiful weather.

This rant was brought to you by my hate for Gossip Girls, prep school kids, and all the world's Trumps, Hiltons, Stewarts, and other gilded gutter filth that goes by different names.

Gay Music Video Hits #1 On MTV!!!

2010-03-13T15:50:00.000-08:00

Uh-mazing.

I just cannot believe how much the world has changed since I graduated from high school in 1996. I lived in fear every day back then, trying to avoid going to school (which I successfully did 35-45 days a year) for fear or being beaten or shamed to death because of my sexuality. Now, we have shows like "Glee" and (the nearly departed) "Ugly Betty," which include openly gay young characters.

But nothing is as reflective of a cultural landscape as popular music and--in particular--music videos.

So it is astounding that a gay-themed music video by a Guyanese-born, Trinidad-raised (i.e., black) artist just hit number one on the MTV music video charts.

Behold, the appropriately titled video, "Love," by Nhojj.

Read more about why this is important at Billboard.com.

And read more about Nhojj on his Web site.

This Is Why I Left Virginia

2010-03-13T15:39:00.001-08:00

It took me 31 years, but I finally had it. D.C. may be one of the murder capitals of the world, but at least its leaders don't believe in hate as public policy.

Gaywatch - Virginia Edition

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Political Humor

Health Care Reform

P.S. Gay marriage is now legal in D.C. Beware, Virginia: Your next door neighbor is homo-friendly.

It's Buh-Nanas: Uh-Mazing Rachel Zoe Project Outtakes

2009-12-21T16:56:00.000-08:00

These videos are, like, literally? The. Most. Uh-mazing.

I died. Shut up.

You. Will. Die.

Real Moments with Rachel Zoe Episode 2 - watch more funny videos

SEASON FINALE SPOILER of the Rachel Zoe Project! - watch more funny videos

The Rachel Zoe Project--"Recession Fashion Tips" - watch more funny videos

Brittany Murphy: In Memoriam

2009-12-20T17:21:00.001-08:00

Today's news about Brittany Murphy hit hard.

Tabloid gossips like the vicious Perez Hilton (who has already begun attacking Murphy's memory) have been quite cruel to the young woman over recent years, due to purported drug abuse, eating disorders and other problems.

Now she is gone.

Brittany Murphy was a talented young actress. I remember the single-season sitcom "The Torkelsons" and its spin-off "Almost Home" only because of Murphy, and I instantly recognized her from the show when I saw her in her most memorable role in Clueless years later.

Although Angelina Jolie got all the credit for the so-so movie Girl, Interrupted, Brittany Murphy gave the film all of its emotional resonance. It's tragic that Murphy never found a solid place as the scene-stealing character actress of her time, but of course that tragedy does not compare with that of her death.

I don't know anything about her personal problems, but I hope that people will let her memory rest and leave her family alone.

In her memory:

Almost Home, 1993

Clueless, 1996

Girl, Interrupted, 1999

Class Action Lawsuit Against Tiger Woods

2009-11-30T09:57:00.001-08:00

I have had it. I have summoned the spirit of the Great Johnnie Cochran and filed a class action lawsuit against the toxic sludge of a human being who calls himself Tiger Woods.

We are no longer fooled by your cartoon-cute name, Mr. Woods. The secret is out. You are a vile, horrible human being.

Just because are are richer than God and almost as rich as Oprah, you think that you have a right to...to what? Privacy? Is that it? After what you have done?

I don't know when I have been more hurt, felt more violated, than I did when I read this preposterous claim that you take responsibility for the devastation you have caused. This country is still healing from September 11 and Hurricane Katrina, Mr. Woods, and you go and RUN INTO A TREE.

A tree!

I am brought to tears just running through the events in my mind.

Your pleas will get you nowhere. You will be held responsible for this atrocious act of treason.

What about THE CHILDREN, Mr. Woods? Did you even think about THE CHILDREN before you hopped in your car and sent shock waves across the globe with...with...no, I can't even bring myself to write the words again.

A new circle of hell just opened up--the Tiger Circle--whose lashing flames will only speed Earth's global warming. We are all going to die a scorching death because of Mr. Woods's reckless behavior.

Don't just sit by idly and let this man continue to destroy our world. Join me in this class action suit. Together, we can make Mr. Woods atone for his sick, sick ways.

Moooore New Gaga: "So Happy I Could Die" (Instrumental) , "Dance In The Dark"

2009-11-12T20:13:00.000-08:00

More New Gaga: "No Way" and "Second Time Around"

2009-11-12T20:07:00.000-08:00

These are more conventional-sounding pop tracks, but solid. If her fashion icon pop star ever fizzles out, she's definitely got longevity as a songwriter. No question.

Listen To New Gaga Now: "Telephone" Feat. Beyonce

2009-11-12T17:12:00.000-08:00

More Gaga awesomeness.

In addition to this and "Bad Romance," we've also heard "Alejandro" (love it!!) and "No Way" (jury's out) from the new Fame Monster album.

Even if you hate her unconventional image and antics, you've got to give Lady Gaga credit for musicality. Her music is '80s, '90s, '00s and beyond.

PS22 Students Sing Tori Amos's "Winter's Carol"

2009-11-12T13:58:00.000-08:00

Soooo good!

This song is on Tori's new "Midwinter Graces" album, and it's also in her musical, "The Light Princess."

Just For Fun

2009-11-12T13:43:00.001-08:00

New Gaga iPhone Karaoke App: Record Your Music & Share With Others!

2009-11-12T13:04:00.000-08:00

Lady Gaga has partnered with a company called iOKi to create a new exclusive iPhone app that will let you sing along with, record, and share your versions of her music with other people!

And, according to TechCrunch, it's actually a great app! (We'll believe it when we hear it.)

Using the app is pretty straightforward: you choose a song, and the app launches into its viewing mode, where the lyrics pop up on your iPhone screen just as they would on more tradional karaoke machines. Depending on your setup, you can have the backing music and vocals come from either your phone’s headphone jack or its built-in speaker (your vocals can go in through either your headphone’s built-in microphone or the phone mic). The interface is easy enough to figure out within a few seconds, though I think it looks a bit bland given the iPhone’s penchant for glossy things. Once you’ve recorded a song, the app will present you with a link that you can use to share your recording across the web.

The app launches in the iTunes and App Stores on November 23, the same day as the release of Gaga's much-anticipated Fame Monster album.

We love Gaga, but we are incredulous about one thing. At her recent concert at DAR Constitution Hall in Washington, D.C., she asked the audience, "What is the one thing I hate more than anything in the world?"

The audience was dumbfounded.

Gaga roared: "MONEY!" And then she sang "Money, Honey."

For someone who allegedly hates money (she has said that she spent all of her money to pay for her Fame Ball tour), she she does a lot of cross-marketing. Surely she makes money off of her songwriting for Michael Bolton, Adam Lambert and others, not to mention Gaga-themed merchandise, TV appearances and now...a Gaga iPhone app? There's nothing wrong with making money, especially as a pop idol who worships pop, but we don't love the shades of hypocrisy we see in this behavior.

So Gaga, either stop saying you hate money and its corruptive power of illusion, or give me some, already. Lord knows you've got enough to spare by now!

Here's an iOKi tutorial video to ease your learning curve, because you KNOW you're gonna download it on Tuesday morning.

Adam Lambert Q&A: Gaga "Down to Earth"; Gene Simmons "A Dick"

2009-11-12T12:09:00.000-08:00

Rolling Stone's new Q&A with Adam Lambert reveals a few more details about his forthcoming album, For Your Entertainment.

On the campy album artwork:

But that's what I was like when I was on Idol! When I did 'Ring of Fire,' that was pretty camp, so I don't understand why the cover is a surprise. People are forgetting me at my wildest--with platform boots and rhinestones around my eyes. Is the album cover that much of a departure?

On Gene Simmons sucking:

Gene Simmons spouted something, that he thought I'd ruined my career by coming out. He's obnoxious, and what a hypocrite--all he talks about is his sex life. He was being a dick--and he's not the greatest singer. I guess he's a good businessman, I'll give him that.

On his favorite songs:

Goldfrapp's Supernature was on heavy rotation for, like, a year. It's electronic, but it has an organic, psychedelic feel to it. When I heard they were working with Christina Aguilera, I was like, aww, she beat me to it.

On working with Gaga:

Even though she seems super-eccentric and out there, as a person, she's really down-to-earth--very New York. The song was a demo of hers from three or four years ago. At the end of the session, we had a drink--and then recorded more after some whiskey. The song captures us partying.

We haven't been totally blown away by his first couple of tracks--from the 2012 soundtrack and the title album track, "For Your Entertainment"--but we still love Adam Lambert for his vocal prowess, style, and oozy sexuality. And we are SO looking forward to the Gaga collab!

Tori Amos: "Midwinter Graces'" Previews 'The Light Princess'!

2009-11-12T11:19:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to waste your time reviewing Tori Amos's brand-new album, Midwinter Graces, because 1) Others have written excellent and well-researched reviews (see Undented for links to many); 2) I'm obviously biased; and 3) Anyone who is a Tori Amos fan doesn't need a review in order to give any of her new work a chance.

But that doesn't mean I don't have anything to say about it.

First, in my opinion, this is Tori's best album (as a whole) since 2001's Scarlet's Walk. I never stop hoping that she will tap back into the energy that unleased Boys for Pele on the world, because that album's raw emotion and experiemental composition and orchestration is, simply, a beautiful piece of architecture. But Scarlet's Walk, which Tori calls her "sonic novel," is a true masterpiece. Taken in from beginning to end, and taking the months (years?) necessary to parse the human, historic, geographic and spiritual elements that make up the album, it's simply a work of genius. Those who think it is too even-keeled are mostly fans who miss Tori's fire, and those who think it is too esoteric simply are not convinced that it's more than pop music, or aren't interested in music being any more than simple entertainment.

Midwinter Graces is Tori's second "librarian" work. It is the product of what makes Tori Amos unique and it is an example of her high ambitions coming together into a master work. All of her personal culture (minister's daughter, mother's daughter, feminist, expat, mother) and spiritual struggles and inquisitiveness (varieties of Western religious history and spiritual and magical beliefs) are threaded through these songs--but they don't suffer from it.

There is not a bad song or a failed experiement on this album. While some songs are straightforward reinterpretations of Christmas music, most are Amos essays, commentaries on her relentless faith that Christianity and other religious beliefs have strong, even holy, roots, but that they've been eroded by time and human corruption.

But don't worry: If that's something that you hate about Tori Amos (it's the main reason I love her, personally), you won't hear it if you choose not to. Midwinter Graces can be received as a simple gift of lovely holiday music that reaches back into history and forward into the future, and which is based on, above all other things, love, family and peace among men and women. There is nothing profane or even objectionable, unless you object to other people having points of view that are not exactly the same as yours.

The one song that pushes the 'holiday' genre envelope is also the best on the album. And most exciting, Tori reveals in the interview video that comes with the iTunes album download, that song, "Winter's Carol," is actually taken from her musical-in-the-works, The Light Princess.

During the period when I interviewed Tori in February of 2008 for Geek Monthly magazine, she wasn't shy about talking about the musical. Since then, she has said little about the project, although some of her comments have suggested that the project might be experiencing developmental difficulties, and might even be on hold. And let's be honest, Tori works best when following her own muse, not the instruction of stage directors and producers, and to imagine a (likely) piano-driven stage musical interpretation of a Victorian fairy tale about a princess who can't keep from flying except when she's underwater...well, let's just say that's classic Tori ambition.

But after hearing "Winter's Carol," I'm not only excited about the musical; I'm confident that it will live up to its potential, at the very least musically. I will be one of the first in line for tickets. And yes, I will fly to London just to see the play.

This album is a gift. If you haven't bought it yet, here is a preview someone made. (Just a note about this preview: It doesn't do justice to a lot of the songs--including "Winter's Carol"--as they typically undulate from verse to verse to chorus and back...so don't judge based upon 30-second previews!)

Happy Midwinter!

Levi Johnston Accepts Porn Award

2009-11-12T11:01:00.000-08:00

According to Advocate.com, Levi Johnston--Palin background no longer necessary--accepted an award from Fleshbot, "For the bravery to be himself despite the pictures other people want to paint of him, and for taking control of his image and letting us all enjoy in it, the mainstream porn crossover award goes to...Levi Johnston."

According to Fox411, "Levi Johnston says [baby son] Tripp can pose for Playgirl, too." He clarified: "Seventeen no," said Johnston. "Eighteen, 19, he’s old enough to make his own decisions. If I’m doing it, I couldn’t tell him not to, I’d be a hypocrite. When he’s that age, he’s going to do what he wants to do."

We assume Johnston won't be getting the Daddy of the Year award from Parenting magazine.

Reportedly, Johnston's Johnson is making "his" debut as we type this, on some cheesy Playgirl set in New York.

Johnston told reporters last night that he won't do a live-action porn movie, but the chances of a homemade sex tape not showing up when his star starts to fade? We predict nil.

Is "crossover star" a fitting designation for Johnston? What, exactly, did he cross from and to? Nobody to public joke and jackoff bait? Oh well. At least this proves on a psychological level that anything sex-related will capture the attention of the average person.

File under "creepy, funny."

Britney Spears Tweets "Glory to Satan!" (Really!!!)

2009-11-12T08:30:00.000-08:00

How does Britney Spears greet the new day? Like this:

"I hope that the new world order will arrive as soon as possible. --Britney"

"I give myself to Lucifer every day for it to arrive as quickly as possible. Glory to Satan!"

Well, then!

I was sooo excited to see this on Dlisted this morning, since I've always hoped that Britney actually wrote "666" on her forehead while she was institutionalized several years ago, as rumored.

Unfortunately, it turns out all to be a hoax. According to Brit's official Twitter, "Britney's Twitter account was just hacked. The situation has been resolved and we apologize for any offense the hacker's messages caused."

DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!

Sane Britney isn't half as fun as demon-worshipping crazy Brit.

} :-<

"Bad Romance" Video: Behind the Scenes with Lady Gaga

2009-11-11T18:05:00.001-08:00

Do we love the "Bad Romance" video as much as everyone else seems to?

We're not so sure...but we do love Gaga's styling, especially the sea monkey-inspired crowned white outfits (vinyl versions of her gorgeous/grotesque red lace VMA outfit!).

Gaga's globe-trotting stylist, Nicola Formichetti, has really outdone himself--and anyone who has come along in at least ten years.

Between the two of them, they seriously make insanity look fun.

Gaga, Nicola: je veux ton amour et je veux ta revenge, je veux ton amour I DON'T WANNA BE FRIENDS!!!

Eff You Too, Citibank; Thank You, Suze Orman!

2009-11-09T16:58:00.000-08:00

It's official: banks are the power-drunk husband and Americans are the cowering, bruised woman in the corner. Long gone are the days of "Dear Valued Customer" and in are the days of, "shut up and take it, Bitch. What are you gonna do, move out? As if you had any friends or anywhere to go."

Suze Orman has made me paranoid out of my mind about my finances, and one of the few things in my life that I can legitimately brag about is that my FICO score is in the "great" range. This means I have the power not to get screwed by abusive loan agents, et al. Right?

WRONG!

This letter was waiting for me in my mailbox when I got home from work tonight:

We are making changes to your account terms.

These changes include an increase in the variable APR for purchases to 18.99% and will take effect on December 20, 2009. As a valued customer, you have the ability to earn a special rate that is below your current purchase rate if you accept these changes. Whether you're looking to consolidate multiple balances into one easy-to-manage payment or have extra cash on hand for emergencies or unexpected expenses, this special rate is a great way to gain added control over your finances.

As always, you have the right to opt out of these changes and pay down your balance under your current terms. If you opt out, you may use your account under the current terms until the end of your current membership year or the expiration date on your card, whichever is later. At that time, we will close your account.

19%. This is a loan shark rate, not a legitimate bank's interest rate. And this is as good as it gets these days.

And don't think I didn't notice the lack of a greeting. Not even a cordial hello. Just: "We are making changes to your account terms," which is certainly followed in invisible ink by [and you can't do jack shit about it! HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA].

But even with that, it's the our-way-or-the-highway attitude that instantly turned my eyes bloodshot. If I don't accept their new terms, they will close my account. The account that I have had for, what, a decade now? A third of my life?

OK, so what are the terms, anyway? Oh, simple:

Here's how the special rate works:
Transfer $3000 or more by December 10, 2009
Receive a special rate of 9.99% on this balance transfer until January 1, 2009. This special rate is below your current purchase rate.
In addition, effective December 20, 2009, you will receive this special rate on existing and new purchase balances until January 1, 2011,
After that, your variable APR for purchases of 18.99% will apply to any unpaid balances under this offer.
There is a 3% balance transfer fee with this offer.

Get that? This "special rate" requires 1) carrying a $3,000 balance before December 10, 2) accepting the extorsion rate after January 1, 2011 anyway, and 3) paying Citi an extra 3% ON TOP of the interest they are already stealing--er, charging.

This is where Saint Suze comes in. If I hadn't followed her advice and become uber-paranoid about money, I wouldn't have a good personal savings that makes me able to pay off my credit card balances from month to month. More importantly, I wouldn't have a great FICO score (or even know what a FICO score is, actually), and I wouldn't have any choice but to accept this kind of abuse.

But you know what? I don't have to. I decided to apply for a new VISA with my credit union and--guess what--I was pre-approved for a new card with the same balance as my Citi card and a SEVEN POINT NINE PERCENT interest rate. Yeah, you heard me.

So, Dear Citi, my here's my special offer to you: I will never use another card or account bearing your name or logo.

Treat your customers with some respect and maybe they'll do the same. Happy sinking.

Preview Tori Amos's "Midwinter Graces" Holiday Album!

2009-11-07T09:32:00.000-08:00

The amazingly gifted, insightful and intelligent Tori Amos has graced us with Midwinter Graces, her first-ever seasonal album.

As might be expected, the album draws on historically religious and seasonal arrangements, but Tori tweaks them all, adding surprising (and surprisingly reverent and respectful) elements that make them all her own.

The music speaks (sings) for itself, but the most exciting and one of the most beautiful tracks of all is "Holly, Ivy, and Rose," a duet with Tori's daughter Natashya. It's gorgeous.

This is a great new seasonal album that doesn't bore with "new" interpretations of songs like "Jingle Bells" and "Frosty the Snowman." It's new enough to be revelatory and familiar enough to give you that warm tingle of the holiday season.

But don't listen to me. Listen for yourself:

Midwinter Graces

My New Nick Carter Interview On Advocate.com

2009-10-20T19:56:00.000-07:00

Nick Carter embraced his gay fans before it was trendy -- at 17, he posed for the cover of a gay teen mag, unheard of at the time. Now, with a new Backstreet album in stores, Nick is sober, happy, and, most important, back.

I had a chance to talk with Nick about the new Backstreet Boys album, working with (Gaga producer) RedOne, his ventures into filmmaking and Broadway, his little brother turn on Aaron's Dancing with the Stars and, of course, gay stuff ("...it’s not a big deal to me. It may have been a big deal back in the day when I was young, but, you know, whatever. It’s part of our culture now and that’s what’s great about it. People accept it now. I love it.)

Check out the interview here.

New Tiesto + Nelly Furtado: Who Wants to be Alone?

2009-10-18T18:20:00.000-07:00

Tiesto is back in full form with his new album, Kaleidoscope. Here's a great new track from the album: "Who Wants to be Alone" featuring Nelly Furtado.

And just for fun, here's another! "Here on Earth" feat. the Carey Brothers.

The album also features Tegan and Sara, Kianna, Calvin Harris, Dizzee Rascal, Priscilla Ahn, Sneaky Sound System and many other great collaborations.

New Gaga Song! Alejandro (Don't Call My Name)

2009-10-17T13:56:00.000-07:00

Aside from "Brown Eyes" (which was actually good live), Gaga seems to have the rare talent for not writing a bad song...so far!

Can't wait for The Fame Monster.

Finally! Interviewer Makes Megan Fox Put Bag Over Her Head

2009-09-17T03:35:00.000-07:00

My Kathy Griffin Interview: She Gets Serious About Matthew Shepard

2009-09-04T19:50:00.001-07:00

I had an amazing opportunity to interview the hilarious Kathy Griffin for Advocate.com.

As expected, Kathy was funny and sharp from hello (she accused me of pretending to be doing the interview just to get her on the phone, which threw me off for a sec!).

But to my surprise, she was also remarkably serious and sincere for the first half of the interview, during which she talked at length about gay marriage rights and Matthew Shepard.

I hope you'll read the interview at Advocate.com and appreciate Kathy's important advocacy work for equality.

And speaking of Matthew Shepard, his mother Judy Shepard's new book came out a couple of days ago. It's amazing. There are no words. But if you want to read a review before ordering the book, read what Entertainment Weekly had to say about it. (Hint: EW gave it a solid A.)

PS: I interviewed Kathy only a few days after the "Norma Gay" episode of My Life on the D List aired. If you didn't catch, it, watch the clips below. It's hands-down the best episode of My Life on the D List.

New Madonna Video: Cause For 'Celebration'?

2009-09-01T03:56:00.001-07:00

Madonna's new video is surprisingly unexceptional. As Madonna evolved in the '80s-'90s from straightforward dance music (complemented by straightforward, low-budget music videos), she used her platform to introduce music videos that challenged the world to accept a black Jesus ("Like a Prayer"), a flamboyant inner-city dance culture ("Vogue"), right-to-life decisions ("Papa Don't Preach").

The came the Music album, which paved the way for Madonna's new era of writing music about, well, music and writhing in her videos without much else going on.

Not a lot is going on in "Celebration." It's virtually the same as "Hung Up"--Madonna showing she's still nimble at age 50--but, fortunately for us, with a much easier-to-look-at outfit. This time Madonna's pelvis is not the fulcrum at the center of this video. But what is is equally disturbing...and interesting. The center of this video is none other than Jesus himself!

We mean Jesus Luz, of course, Madonna's controversial plaything. Midway through the "Celebration" video, after a couple of minutes of Madonna et al. twisting to the beat, comes Jesus in his lead debut as a DJ. After a couple minutes of making lascivious faces (which would be absolutely disgusting on a man of a certain age) and sexually suggestive movements, Madonna cozies up to the "DJ" and removes his clothes, piece by piece. Like us, Jesus looks vaguely disgusted.

Artistically, "Celebration" may be somewhat of a low for Madonna. Besides looking fresh as a genetically modified daisy in an Andy Warhol wig, Madonna is giving us more message than art. What's the message? It's an interesting one.

Madonna always has been defiant--so much so that this entire statement is a waste of words. But this defiance is a bit less obvious, more subversive. Madonna always has pushed the limit as a feminist working under the guise of a totally independent mind. Let's be honest: Madonna is downright creepy in "Celebration." If she were a fifty-year-old man making faces at a 20-something hottie, and then slowly removing her clothes while she makes uncomfortable faces, there would be a riot. Sure, rock stars are different, but even Steven Tyler has known since the '80s that to keep his fans liking him, he needs to feature hotties in vignettes within his video, not getting nasty with him. That would be nasty.

It's pretty nasty when Madonna does it, too--even if you are a fan of her brand-new face (which we are!). But here Madonna takes feminism to its next level. In "Celebration," Madonna is not on an equal playing field with her male rock-n-roll counterparts: She is above them. There is no such thing as a FILF, only a MILF, and Madonna's creepily meta-video shows who's boss. Madonna is a predator, and her fans would accept nothing less.

As for the song, she phoned it in.

Madonna's New 'Celebration' Video Debut

2009-08-31T18:25:00.000-07:00

Madonna's new "Celebration" video is about to debut, and boy is her team making a big deal of it! The video will "have its exclusive world premiere on the iTunes store" free beginning tomorrow, Tuesday, September 1, and then will be available for sale on iTunes (and no doubt all over YouTube free).

The "Celebration" video is directed by Jonas Akerlund, who directed the “Ray of Light” video. "Celebration" was filmed recently in Milan, Italy and features dancers from Madonna's “Sticky & Sweet” Tour. The video also includes cameo appearances by Madonna’s daughter, Lola Leon and her favorite Jesus (Luz), with whom we all know she has done quite unholy things.

Here's the much-hyped non-preview of the video:

Hey, as long as she's not wearing a unitard and thrusting her fault lines in our face, we're happy!

Taylor Lautner Teen-Vogues!

2009-08-31T17:44:00.000-07:00

Hmm...looks like one of my sister's Teen Beat magazines from the 1980s, but it's actually the cover of the October issue of Teen Vogue, out on newsstands September 8.

Teen Vogue's new issue is all about young Hollywood, and hottie-of-the-moment Taylor Lautner is basking in his fifteen minutes of awooooooooooooo! He tells the junior issue of Vogue (which apparently is more into tapping teen girls' hormones with hot boys instead of hunchbacked anorexic models like its big sister) all about his role as a freakishly smooth-chested werewolf.

From the magazine:

“I think the fans would love anybody who played Jacob,” he says. “I’m just lucky to be the one who got the chance.”

It was his Hollywood-based karate coach who suggested Taylor give show business a chance. At first he admits he was not interested, but after a few auditions he was sold. “Taking on roles that were the opposite of what I could be in real life? That’s still my favorite thing.”

Tabloid attention and spurious rumors are the norm for the Twilight cast right now—and although Taylor is quite new to the attention, he seems capable of taking it all in stride. When asked about his alleged romance with Disney star Selena Gomez, he answers, “She’s a great girl.” Asked whether Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are indeed tangled in a torrid love triangle, he just laughs. “It’s crazy. But the fans help. They’re a big art of the motivation.”

Teen Vogue continues its annual Young Hollywood profile with seventeen talented up-and-comers poised to be the next big shots of the silver screen. Young stars like Lucas Till from the Hannah Montana movie, Miranda Cosgrove from Nickelodeon’s iCarly, and 20-year-old Rory Culkin, making his way out from under his brother’s shadows, shine in Teen Vogue’s tribute to Young Hollywood photographed by the renowned Bruce Weber.

Weber is the photographer who single-lensedly transformed Abercrombie & Fitch from your great uncle's favorite outdoor store to a softcore porn-peddling teen status symbol of such street cred that it continuously felt empowered to discriminate against: black people, Asian people, gay people, one-armed people...the list is sure to go on as the years go by!

Annnnnnnyyyyyyywayyyyyy here's your first look at your new favorite Twilight hottie in Teen Vogue:

For more, including a Tay-Tay slideshow, a quiz ("How well do you know our cover boy?"), OMG!!! A FREE TAYLOR POSTER!!!! and OMFG!!!!! A CHANCE TO WIN A TRIP TO THE NEW MOON PREMIERE!!!!!!!!!!, go to Teen Vogue.

LeToya's Lady Love

2009-08-31T17:41:00.000-07:00

I'm diggin' LeToya Luckett's new album Lady Love, and I'm loving her attitude!

Watch her video "She Ain't Got" and then read her new interview in the Advocate, in which she talks about her thoughts on gay marriage, Chris Brown (who wrote "She Ain't Got"), Destiny's Child (she was one of the original members and is a childhood (former) friend of Beyonce's), and the Latex Ball--whatever that is!

Swing batter, batter, batter, swing!

Listen To New Lady GaGa + Michael Bolton Duet!

2009-08-30T16:56:00.000-07:00

For real: Lady GaGa wrote this new single for Michael Bolton's new album, and she sings the backup vocals.

The music is all GaGa, but the ballad is totally fitting for Michael Bolton. Totally conventional. But good!

Trouble With 'Wonderland'

2009-07-26T08:10:00.000-07:00

Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland certainly *looks* like it's going to be his trademark combination of surral goth gorgeousness--but one thing troubles me.

I've always read (or watched) Alice as a child's point of view of the world: it doesn't make any sense. Adults run around like crazy people worrying about being on time, they have funny dress-up parties just to sit around and have inane conversation that no one relates to, and kids have to live in this crazy place, sometimes feeling enormously important and big, sometimes feeling unbelievably small, and sometimes worrying about having their heads cut off for breaking an arbitrary rule they don't understand.

So what's my problem? The Alice trailer is all about the Mad Hatter--or, rather, about Johnny Depp.

Yes, everyone loves Johnny Depp. He's got the reputation of being a real-life Mad Hatter, especially when he is paired up with Burton and Helena Bonham Carter, who also is in this movie.

But the trailer is narrated by Johnny Depp. If we consider the trailer a little movie of its own, then the climax is when Depp's voiceover says, "...some say to survive it, you have to be as mad as a hatter. Which, luckily, I am."

It's not about YOU, Hatter! It's about Alice! It's about the little girl in the crazy nonsensical adult world! SHE should be narrating because it's HER story.

Sigh.

I don't want to take all the fun out of this movie, but it'll be sad to me if it's the Hatter's story instead of Alice's. That would just strip away the brilliance of the story, making this version pretty much just a fun acid trip with fancy costumes. Oh, and Johnny Depp, of course.

Live From The Studio!

2009-07-25T12:15:00.001-07:00

Watch live video from whatuppyo's channel on Justin.tv

Sex With Ducks And Gay Marriage Are One And The Same

2009-06-09T03:52:00.001-07:00

Laughing With...Regina Spektor

2009-06-02T17:25:00.000-07:00

Regina's new album, Far, is soo going to rock!

Here's her first single, "Laughing With..."

Laughing With

Gorgeousness!

"I like to top!" ...Guess Who Said It?

2009-05-28T18:58:00.000-07:00

Melissa Etheridge On Prop 8

2009-05-28T18:20:00.000-07:00

“How do I explain this to my children? Well, you know Ellen? She is married but Mommy and I are not. That is liberty and justice for all? I am hopeful as I see more and more states turn to the inevitable future of equality, California will get there. Change takes time.”

-Melissa Etheridge

Drew Barrymore On Prop 8

2009-05-28T18:19:00.000-07:00

She speaks for herself:

George Clooney On Prop 8

2009-05-28T18:17:00.000-07:00

“This just should invigorate people to get it back on the ballot in 2010 and 2012 and every two years until all people are allowed a basic civil right."

-George Clooney

Tori Amos On Prop 8

2009-05-28T18:12:00.000-07:00

"(I was) extremely disappointed. Well, we go back to this concept of emancipation. The idea of 'We will overcome' from the great Dr. Martin Luther King, was made flesh as Obama was put into the office and yet at the same time another group of people were subjugated by some of those voters.

"A lot of people were saying, 'Well you have to understand that a lot of the voters are Democratic and Christians, the ones that had an issue with rights for the gay community'. And I would say how, in any way, is that the Christian path?"

-Tori Amos to Attitude magazine

Margaret Cho On Prop 8

2009-05-28T18:09:00.000-07:00

"I am outraged and disgusted, but this is only a momentary setback. We will soon win back this right and the victory will be even more thrilling because we had to fight so hard to get it."

-Margaret Cho reacts to the California supreme court's decision to uphold Prop. 8

George Takei On Prop 8

2009-05-28T18:04:00.000-07:00

"I am confident that if we go through this again, we will ultimately prevail and our [State] Supreme Court will go into the dust of history."

-George Takei to E!

Rob Thomas On Gay Marriage

2009-05-28T17:58:00.000-07:00

"I've heard it said before, many times, that if two men or two women are allowed to join into a civil union together, why can't they be happy with that and why is it so important that they call it marriage? In essence, what's in a name?

"A civil union has to do with death. It's essentially a document that gives you lower taxes and the right to let your faux spouse collect your insurance when you pass away. A marriage is about life. It's about a commitment. And this argument is about allowing people to have the right to make that commitment, even if it doesn't make sense to you. Anything else falls under the category of "separate but equal" and we know how that works out.

"The support of legalizing gay marriage is in no way meant to change the ideals of the section of Christians who believe that homosexuality is a sin. But we should refuse to let other people's ideals shape the way we live our lives. Each of us has a short ride on this earth and as long as we stay in our lane, and don't affect someone else's ride, we should be allowed to drive as we see fit."

-Rob Thomas Editorial from Huffingtonpost.com

Marie Osmond On Prop 8

2009-05-28T17:53:00.000-07:00

“You know, on those types of things I'm very supportive. When it comes to marriage, I think that civil rights need to be for all."

-Marie Osmond in a radio interview on KOST 103.5

Charlize Theron On Prop 8

2009-05-28T17:49:00.000-07:00

"We need to take a stand for equality. All of us. On the Saturday after the California supreme court rules to either uphold or overturn Proposition 8. In Fresno, the heartland of California. This isn't just about California. It's about America. This isn't just about marriage. It's about human rights."

-Charlize Theron in a May 7 e-mail

Wanda Sykes On Prop 8

2009-05-28T17:46:00.000-07:00

"I'm deeply disappointed, but also very optimistic that we will return to the polls and restore marriage equality for same sex couples."

- Wanda Sykes reacts to the California Supreme Court's Decision to uphold Prop 8

Cynthia Nixon On Prop 8

2009-05-28T17:44:00.000-07:00

“Upholding the discriminatory Proposition 8 marks May 26, 2009, as a dark day for the people of California. The idea that gay families like mine should not be included in our country's promise of equal rights for all citizens is deeply un-American. While California has taken a giant step backwards, states like Maine and Iowa (and soon, I hope, New York) are leading with way towards a fairer and better tomorrow.”

-- Cynthia Nixon on the California supreme court's decision to uphold Prop. 8

Mandy Moore On Prop 8

2009-05-28T17:37:00.000-07:00

I had the opportunity to interview Mandy Moore for Advocate.com and when I asked her about her thoughts on Prop 8, she revealed that her older brother is gay and got married before Prop 8 took effect. We spoke last week, and since then California has ruled that those married before Prop 8 was enacted would be able to reinstate their legal statuses. Congratulations to Mandy's brother! Too bad for everyone else. :-(

Here's Mandy's full comment on the issue:

The song “Merrimack River” is named after a river in Massachusetts, which recognizes same-sex marriage, and New Hampshire, your home state -- one of the few states that offers full civil rights to same-sex couples. Are you surprised that California voted to deny these rights?

"Yes. Unbelievably surprised. And saddened. Unfortunately, I was still a Florida resident during the election because I grew up in Florida and I still spend a lot of time there. So I didn’t get to vote as a California resident, which is a bummer. Although they had a similar vote on the Florida bill as well. I have to say I’m ... I’m still shocked that California voted against it. And in fact, my older brother and his boyfriend got married right before the election just in case things ended up going the way that they did, and I think my family was all the more disappointed that things went the way that they did with the decision."

Click here to read the full interview on Advocate.com.

Schwarzenegger On Prop 8

2009-05-28T17:32:00.000-07:00

California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger appeared on The Tonight Show Tuesday night and talked about Prop. 8 with Jay Leno. Schwarzenegger said the state will support the court’s decision and uphold Prop. 8, but he also indicated it was only a matter of time before it would be overturned.

Click for video at Advocate.com.

Tim Gunn On Prop 8

2009-05-28T17:31:00.000-07:00

"I'm sickened and STUNNED. I honestly do not have the adequate words to express my incredulity. Has the world gone mad? How can the supreme court of the State of California rule that it’s perfectly fine to take away people’s rights? I’m STUNNED."

--Project Runway host and fashion guru Tim Gunn on the California supreme court's decision to uphold Proposition 8

Heather Matarazzo on Prop 8

2009-05-28T17:25:00.000-07:00

"The highest court in the state of California just legalized discrimination, saying 'it's what the majority wants.' ... How do you think we feel? We're heartbroken but not hopeless. There are no words to describe what it feels like to have my right to marry my fiancée voted on."

-- Actress Heather Matarazzo to Advocate.com on the California supreme court's decision to uphold Prop. 8

Jewel On Gay Marriage, Dancing With The Stars, Sarah Palin, and Lady GaGa

2009-05-13T18:49:00.000-07:00

What does Jewel think about gay marriage? Who will save her soul if she is against it??

Click here to find out...

The Panty-Christ

2009-05-07T19:44:00.000-07:00

Soooo here I am watching the first episode of The Fashion Show, Bravo's desperate attempt to keep Project Runway viewers from jumping ship and fleeing to The Valerie Bertinelli and Meredith Baxter-Birney Movie Network (aka Lifetime). It stars Isaac Mizrahi (aka Is-Miz) and Kelly Rowland (aka Kelly Rowland).

And--wtf!--one of the super-gay contestants is none other than Andrew Christian, the underwear designer who apparently is known as "the Panty-Christ." (We like his lifeguard inspired undies, but we didn't know he was important enough to have such a demonic monkier.)

Aaaaaaaaaaanyway. Not sure how I feel about the show yet, but one thing is clear: TFS is going to be my new favorite source for absurdly snarkastic quotes. Examples:

"I love a gray satin harem pant as a must-have piece."
"I'd need some butter and a miracle to put that on me."
"It's a breast-centric thing, do you know what I mean? That is all about the breast."
"The model had to be cut out of it to go to the bathroom. That is shameful." "But she could lie down in it!"

This show might satisfy my need for nonsense once ANTM is over. Woo hoo!

Birthday Suits: George Clooney, Valentino, and MEEEEEE

2009-05-06T03:35:00.000-07:00

Today is the best day of the year to be born!

Why? Because it's the day I was born. Duh.

Clooney is 48 today!

Valentino is dead today!

Davey is 31 today! And wearing a Santa hat.

SNMCD

2009-04-17T19:09:00.001-07:00

Isabella Rossellini Does Porno!

2009-04-08T02:22:00.000-07:00

Animal porno, actually, but she calls it Green Porno.

In case you haven't heard, the eccentric icon has created a series of short, er, "educational" (?) films for the Sundance Channel, in which she acts out always weird and usually disgusting mating habits of animals.

And it's totally addictive!! Below are a few of our favorite episodes...

What exactly is the point? Art, maybe.

The Washington Post asked Rossellini what she has learned about humanity from doing these videos. Rossellini's answer was: "Everyone always asks me this! Why does it need to tell us anything about human beings? Is it not enough that we have these fascinating worlds all around us and don't see them? It has taught me how self-centered we are." Rock on, Izzie!

As you can see, the first season was all insects. The second season, which just came out, is all about sea life. You HAVE to see the angler fish!!!

Go to Green Porno at Sundance Channel.

Village People Vs. Britney Spears: Phone Sex Edition

2009-04-08T02:10:00.000-07:00

Thanks to an overheard Facebook conversation between Dangerous Muse cuties Tom Napack and Michael Furey (above), we've discovered the true inspiration for Britney's yet-to-be-released-but-great song, "Phonography": The Village People's "Sex Over the Phone."

Subtle, right?

Lady GaGa: Sold-Out Concerts or Just Sold Out?

2009-04-01T17:35:00.000-07:00

In the good old days--that is, back on February 5--Lady GaGa spread her rainbows of joy and happiness over this depressed land of ours. Behold what she told MTV about her tour, which she dubbed the "Fame Ball":

"But to me, the Ball is so important. I want so much to make every depression dollar that everyone spends on my show worth it. And, yeah, I'm paying a lot for it — out of my own pocket. But that's OK. I just don't care about money."

But good things can't be expected to last, can they? The hard-earned depression dollars that I and hundreds of other people from the D.C. area dropped got this out of it:

[That would be a big fat NOTHING.]

Because GaGa decided that she would reward her Washington fans by cutting and running at the first opportunity to showcase her art...on American Idol.

This is what GaGa meant in that MTV interview when she said all her efforts were going into making every single concert "the greatest, most life-changing experience."

So far, only our opinions of Ms. GaGa have changed. Let the backlash begin.

Now, I love Tori Amos. We all know this. I was thinking that Lady GaGa, kooky as she is, might turn out to be on Amos's creative level, if not her intellectual or musical one. But in order for me to pay attention any longer, I need a return on my investment. Having been to over a dozen Tori Amos concerts in under a dozen years, I know that Amos gives both her art and her fans the number one priority in her life when she is on the road. GaGa, less than a year into stardom, has already sacrificed at least one of those things. And people are noticing.

Gay D.C. fans came together about a month ago to form "GaGa Week," a sequence of GaGa-themed parties at clubs and bars around the city beginning last Friday and culminating in tomorrow night's concerts. GaGa Week's Facebook presence announced today that the pop starlet's concerts had been postponed, with the following notice:

Lady Gaga has now officially postponed two sold-out concert dates due to a performance on America’s prized display of musical mass commercialism, American Idol. American Idol, responsible for generating all of your favorite innovative iconic mega stars such as Fantasia, Clay Aiken, David Cook and Taylor Swift, has managed to woo Lady Gaga away from thousands of grassroots fans in New York and Washington, DC.

Tonight's event is still on with a slight change. Gaga Night at Duplex is being re-branded as ANTI-Gaga night and is taking this opportunity to showcase DC's best indie/pop/electro dj to give Gaga the f*ck you.

OK, so maybe GaGa's fans are fickle but, hey, we haven't known her for long and she has proven to be an untrustworthy partner in this whole pop music relationship thing.

GaGa sings about "the fame," but now maybe she'll feel the reality of what comes along with it: responsibility to the people who make you famous.

I hope GaGa will apologize and find some way to make this up to us. Let's say her record company forced her to do American Idol for the exposure. Let's say that, even though Tori Amos would have beheaded said record company executives. I could live with that. But so far, no explanation from Camp GaGa other than "concerts postponed until date to be revlealed later" and "Lady GaGa on American Idol TONIGHT!!!"

We do it for the fame, fame, baby, the fame, fame
Isn't it a shame, shame, baby, a shame, shame

Shame on you, GaGa.

GaGa Dumped Me For Paula And Simon!

2009-03-31T18:25:00.000-07:00

Arrrgh!!!

What!

What!

What?!?!!? did I do to karma to get this kind of treatment?!

Just last night I posted about how EXCITED I am for the ONE. GOOD. THING. in the forecast for this entire sucky year: The Lady GaGa concert in two days in D.C.

Well. What does GaGa do but dump my ass for Lobotomy Abdul, Ditto Dawg Jackson and Look-at-Me Simon. Oh, and that new chick.

That's right. Lady GaGa canceled two back-to-back sold-out shows in Washington to sing one dumb single on American Idol. Smart career move? Probably.

But a pretty sucky way to treat fans if you ask me.

Never mind everyone else, D.C.'s gay fans formed a GaGa-oriented subculture and planned parties all over town every night from last Saturday leading up through this Thursday's anticipated concerts. So much for GaGa Week.

OK, so exposure to tens of millions of people is worth more than its price in gold. But keep in mind that most of those people are little kids and Middle American families that are going to be staring at their TVs unwittingly iterating Christina Aguilera's now-famous line about GaGa: "I don't even know if this...GaGa person is a man or a woman." Or in the more direct and less pretentious dialect spoken in American homes: Whut the hayull is that thing?

In next week's issue of New York--still my favorite magazine--GaGa asks: “What am I supposed to do [in L.A.], canoodle with celebrities at a nightclub, with a lemon-drop Midori in my hand? It’s not the same as being in a bar that smells like urine with all your really smart New York friends.”

No, Lady. You're supposed to sing for an unappreciative audience of millions (plus four judges whose collective attitudes add up to: The Focus Group is Never Wrong!) and leave the people who are really inspired by your pretense standing in the cold.

GaGa...Take Me Away!

2009-03-30T19:04:00.000-07:00

So, yeah. Let's this to the point: this year so far has been a waking nightmare.

But. But!! There's hope, and it's coming this Thursday in the form of Lady GaGa! Soooo excited! Someone wonderful (and kinda cute, too) bought tix and I'm gonna see my new muse number two (after Tori, of course).

In honor of me putting all my hopes and dreams in one oddball 23 year old (happy birthday, Lady!), here's a pretty awesome video a few of her fans put together. Be sure to watch past the first minute or so...it gets better.

*By the way, a few people have sent me really thoughtful and kind e-mails over the past few weeks, and I really appreciate them. I don't really want to revisit all the bad things that have been going on, but rest assured I saved your messages and will get back to you eventually. It doesn't matter so much whether or not people keep coming back here, but knowing that there are good people in the world who will take a few minutes to send positive thoughts really does matter. Thank you.

Special Olympics Fires Back At Obama

2009-03-20T15:05:00.000-07:00

OK, "fires back" is a bit too strong, but S.O.'s Chairman, Timothy Shriver (Yes, Maria Shriver's brother) did issue a statement saying that Prexy O. called him last night to apologize.

Shriver said, “Words hurt and words matter. Words can cause pain and result in stereotypes that are unfair and damaging to people with intellectual disabilities. And using 'Special Olympics' in a negative or derogatory context can be a humiliating put-down to people with special needs."

And he challenged Obama "to take the lead and consider hiring a Special Olympics athlete to work in the White House. In so doing, he could help end misperceptions about the talents and abilities of people with intellectual disabilities, and demonstrate their dignity and value to the world."

Fun fact: Ugly Betty superdiva Vanessa Williams is on the Board of Directors with Special Olympics International, and I once interviewed her about it. She was incredibly well informed, having worked with S.O. for over 15 years.

Special Olympics is much more than just the Special Olympics Games. It's an important international movement that deserves support and attention. Hopefully, Obama's shockingly ill thought out remark will turn into increased public attention toward and support for the organization.

I just made a donation. You should, too.

Abnormally Addicted To Tori

2009-03-20T14:53:00.001-07:00

I haven't posted in eons, but if anything's gonna bring me back from the abyss, it's my muse, Tori Amos.

A few new song clips have leaked to the Innernets, but since I want everyone to buy Ms. Amos's genius, I'm not gonna post them. (And also, the YouTube links I had went down.)

But here's a clip of the new song "Mary Jane," performed live at SXSW:

Soooo excited!

Watch Out, Meryl Streep. Here Comes Lohan.

2009-03-20T14:51:00.000-07:00

There are no words.

Actually there are:

Glam.

Pink.

Shit.

Bye-Bye, Money. I hardly knew you.

2009-03-10T03:08:00.000-07:00

I just got a Social Security statement in the mail, which includes this nifty little fact sheet called "What young workers should know about Social Security and saving." Among such important headlines as "Social Security protects you if you become disabled..." and "Social Security protects your family in the event of death..." and "Social Security is a financial foundation" is another: Will Social Security still be around when I retire? The answer: "Yes."

But two sentences later comes the full disclosure:

"The Social Security Board of Trustees now estimates that based on current law, in 2041, the Trust Funds will be depleted. Because people are living longer and the birth rate is low, the ratio of workers to beneficiaries is falling. Therefore the taxes that are paid by workers will not be enough to pay the full benefit amounts scheduled."

HOWEVER, it goes on to say, "this does not mean that Social Security benefit payments would disappear. Even if modifications to the program are not made, there would still be enough funds in 2041 from taxes paid by workers to pay about $780 for every $1,000 in benefits scheduled."

I would be eligible for retirement ~2045+/-. I don't think most people my age and younger really expect to see their Social Security investments returned to them, but it's pretty shocking to see this in writing from the SSA. Getting back $780 for every $1,000 in benefits is not much better than my retirement losses of late, but the differences are that 1) my 403b investments are optional and 2) they could possibly recover over time. Social Security won't. The way things are currently set up, Social Security deductions are automatically taken from my pay--I have no say in the matter--in order to pay older people 100% of their investments.

Shouldn't I be able to claim older Americans as dependents on my taxes, then?

I'm one of the few people who don't mind paying taxes, but I want the taxes to pay me back in some kind of way. I really hope things will turn around for the country because, the way things have been for several generations now, lawmakers have put into action only short-term plans that pay off for them and possibly their children and leave future generations hanging. This is the same thing Americans have recently criticized China for doing--not thinking about the future. I don't have children, but I do worry about the stability of this country for those who do. And especially for myself, of course, since I am American, after all.

Everything Falls Apart

2009-03-01T17:06:00.000-08:00

I have been accused of being negative, gloomy, irrationally upset about things. Can someone offer an explanation for life? I am beyond desperate. Everything is falling apart.

My grandmother died unexpectedly on Wednesday. It was a complete shock. Her doctor cut off the methadone treatment that she had been on for a year and then prescribed seven new medications she had never taken before, and she died less than 24 hours later. My whole family is devastated, but my mother especially because she just lost her mother.

Yesterday, we rushed my mother to the emergency room for unbearable stomach pain. She thought it was irritable bowel syndrome. It turned out that she had had appendicitis and her appendix burst probably about five weeks ago, and now she has an abscess that could have killed her but miraculously did not. She also has some sort of bronchial infection and they've been giving her oxygen. She is a heavy smoker and the doctor just did X-rays and we're waiting for the verdict. The doctor seemed very gloomy about the situation. The way things are going, we are all preparing for the worst and trying to force some sense of optimism.

My mother and father have spent the past four years caring for someone else. They had no break between raising my sister and me and nursing my grandmother. I am 30 years old. I moved back home about three and a half years ago so that I'd have fewer expenses during grad school, and also to help my parents care for my grandmother. When Grandma died, it was very bittersweet, as her loss is painful and devastating, but she was suffering constantly in life and she is better off now.

I was so hopeful that my parents were going to be able to live, finally. For about one day, while mourning my grandmother, I felt hopeful and like there was freedom for us all. And then my mother took this devastating turn.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel like I can live through this. Why is life so unfair? Why can't it ever let up? Why can't anyone in my family EVER be granted the time and resources to be happy, even for just a year? I feel so desperate I can't even express it in words. I have never had a romantic relationship in my entire life. I absolutely hate my job, and I can tell they are losing patience with all my family emergencies. There is no one in the world I am closer to than my mother, and it is killing me to see her have to suffer the loss of her mother and all of these health problems of her own in less than a week. I am so angry at the world. I am so hateful. I do not believe there is any hope. Both of my parents have completely sacrificed thier own happiness and self-preservation since the day my sister was born 31 years ago, and nothing good EVER happens for them. Tomorrow is my father's 61st birthday, and that's the day my parents will get the results of my mom's X-rays. I am so afraid. My family cannot take any more. Why is life like this?

Condom Balloon Doggie Porn Courtesy Of Durex

2009-01-17T16:51:00.000-08:00

There are no words.

Best Silly YouTube Vids of 2008

2008-12-07T11:55:00.000-08:00

The Washington Post compiled this list for its year-end review. We had only seen a couple of these...most are pretty awesome.

Jeckyll/HydeBaby

Real Life Lazy Susan Using Escalator to Become Turntable

Manic Yap-Dog

Dramatic Lemur

Geckofabulous

Balloon-Killin' Jack Russell

Roomba Rodeo Cat

Drat the Luck! Man Gets Trapped Inside Giant Balloon

Star Wars According to a Three-Year-Old

Hamster on a Piano (Eating Popcorn)

She's Back, Bitches!!!

2008-12-01T18:07:00.001-08:00

Read about it here.

Review by...erm, um, me.

Rejected!

2008-11-30T15:11:00.001-08:00

We can so relate.

It's HUGE!!!

2008-11-30T12:07:00.000-08:00

Hey, people, listen up. This has been bugging me for months now and it's time somebody said something.

See this word: H-U-G-E? It's HUGE. HYOOGE. NOT "yooge."

Lately it seems like everyone is overusing the word "huge," and that these people are mispronouncing it as "yooge." Guess what. If you're falling into this linguistic trend, you are no better than Madonna and her fake-ass British accent.

Stop it. Now.

It's Turkey, Bitch!

2008-11-26T19:28:00.001-08:00

Britney's Circus Is No Freakshow

2008-11-25T18:44:00.000-08:00

Womanizer--Doesn't warrant critique. Everyone has heard it. The good news it, it's one of the worst tracks on the album.

Circus--Britney is the ringleader. Or, uh, like a ringleader. She says. OK, she's a puppet, but this song is sooo fun. The sound is a lot like a lot of the tracks from Blackout, except either the production was way better or Britney was actually at least partly lucid when she recorded this. She's heavily programmed and her voice is sliced and diced, as we expect, but you can actually hear some emotion in there...somewhere.

Out from Under--This is a sweet ballad, and something about it sounds very Duncan Sheik "I Am Barely Breathing," though I'm not sure why, exactly. Maybe it's all the breathy vocals. But whatever, this song is a huge triumph for someone with Britney's limited vocal capacity. It's kind of gorgeous, actually.

Kill the Lights--People will love this song. It's good Britney, and it's what you expect from a successful Spears song. That's also the problem with it; on an album that's full of surprises, it's kind of disappointing to hear this in that context. (Same with Womanizer.) But this'll be fun to dance to in clubs; lots of terrible "Vogue"-style posing cues. ("Mr photographer/I think I'm ready for my close-up/Make sure you catch me from my good side/Pick one")

Shattered Glass--This song is too short...and that's a good thing. Clocking in at under two minutes, this is a quick-and-dirty 70s/80s hybrid. It's really interesting, actually, how the verses are pure disco and the chorus is totally '80s. It's two floors of a retro club in one song!

If You Seek Amy--Damn this song! Was I actually duped by the subversive-yet-completely-transparent workings of the Britney Spears machine at Jive?! I sang this song dozens of times, loving it from its dark and strangely giddy calliope synths, by the disjointed and something's-not-quite-right-lyrics, and by the undeserved maniacal delivery that Spears gives the phrase "If you seek Amy" throughout the song. And then I found out what she's actually saying, and now it's just really creepy. The song is by far one of Brit's top ten tracks sonically, but with her past and knowing how she's been so used by her producers, boyfriends, et al., I really don't want to hear her making the urgent plea, "oh baby baby eff you see kay me tonight/We'll do whatever you like!" It makes me sad. :-( No, Britney. I'm not going to eff you see key you at all. You kind of scare me. Go take a Seroquel and turn in early, k?

Unusual You--An unusually sophisticated, mature, and intelligent song and performance from Britney and her wizards. This song was a total surprise to me. "Unusual You" features all the highlights of Britney Spears's voice, including some discordant notes, which are collaged and layered for an effect that couldn't be accomplished with everyone's vocals. It's nice that the producers left a human quality to her voice, even if the rest of it is heavily Autotuned. The lyrics are strong, too, and they fit Britney's public image and very possibly her private feelings. The music is otherworldly; it's a flashback to the accomplished trance of the mid-/late-1990s--think early BT or Robert Miles. This song is perfect. And it is hands down the greatest Britney Spears product produced to date, even if it isn't meant to be a commercially viable CD. (It's no "Oops!"--and that's a great thing at this stage in her life and career.)

Blur--"Turn the lights out/This shit is way too fuckin bright/Want to put my eyes out/If you wanna mess with my eyesight/Just let me get my head right/Where the hell am I/Who are you/What'd we do last night?" That's how this song opens. If Britney had written it, the lyrics would be laudable. But she didn't, and so it's not quite as striking. Besides the lyrics, the song isn't very memorable. Not bad, but pretty "eh."

Mmm Papi--I have no opinion of this one. It's a little creepy what with the whole orgasmo-groan "mmm Papa ooh Papi love you!" thing, since some of this sounds like it's actually meant to be communicated to a...father. But, uh, I'll just leave it alone. Hopefully the details behind this one will remain a blur.

Mannequin--This song would fit better on Blackout. Britney Spears, the human being, is absolutely absent in this song. She was possibly conscious when she recorded the lyrics, but Danja has processed them to the point at which calling Brit's vocals Velveeta would be too organic a metaphor. The sound is...interesting--but the song itself has the feel of an experiment and not much more. "My face is like a mannequin"? No idea what that means or why this song made it onto this album other than "it sounds cool."

Lace and Leather--This song would fit much better on Madonna's "Hard Candy," and it would be better sung by Christina Aguilera. It's a nice little 80s throwback, but it's nothing special.

My Baby--The titular baby is an actual baby, not an "oh baby" baby. And even more impressive, Britney actually had a hand in writing this song. That's kind of a relief given that the song is a syrupy little ode to her baby--which one got the shaft, we wonder?--and the lyrics aren't actually embarrassing. Neither are the vocals. It's not a great song, but hearing Mama Spears sound so sincere and knowing that she helped to make that happen go a long way in re-humanizing her. Hearing Britney raise her naturally lowish voice to a falsetto that sounds like more of an effort for her than Justin Timberlake's sounds to be for him is interesting; it suggests that Britney is trying. And that's really the key to this album's soul We do not expect great things from Britney Spears, but any indication of free will being exercised feels like a major triumph.

Listen to "Unusual You":

Joe Plumber and Joe Six-Pack

2008-10-15T19:04:00.000-07:00

Is McCain running the gayest campaign ever?

What's with the fixation on Joe Plumber and Joe Six-Pack?

We found McCain's secret video footage of Joe and Joe. His secret is out: Big. Old. Homo!

Joe Plumber

Joe Six-Pack

Sarah Palin Megamix!!

2008-10-13T17:32:00.000-07:00

Governor Sarah Palin: Say no for personal reasons!

The Economy, The Election: We Have A Problem

2008-09-25T03:27:00.001-07:00

OK. So. Here we go.

We grew up listening to our grandmother's stories of the Depression era (She was born in 1920.) and World War II era, when she was constantly sick because she was anemic and iron-rich proteins were rationed. We don't want to be alarmist, but are people LISTENING out there? To their grandparents? To the news (which is actually covering NEWS these days!! How serious is it when there's more than shootings and informercial product testing on the local news, huh?).

Here's a recent rundown if you're not listening:

1. Financial institutions are dropping out of the market like roaches after bringing Raid pellets back home to their babies. This means: Despite what people on TV are saying (It's called 'damage control.'), our money is NOT safe. We owe massive debt to China and other countries, Russia absolutely HATES us right now, to say nothing of the Middle East region. And I'm not being xenophobic: we all know this country has been pushing its luck and ignoring foreign relations for the past eight years. This is what happens. Are you scared? You should be.

2. Smokescreen politics. Seriously, let's deal with this NOW. Sarah Palin is not qualified to be vice president or president, if that time comes. Her interview with Charles Gibson made it clear that she doesn't know the answers to the questions, or even the background material. She was giving the 'right' answer. I don't have a problem with religious people, but a country cannot be run by faith. It can be run into the ground by it, though. If you don't believe us, just look to George Bush.

3. This whole thing about delaying the campaign until this economic crisis is resolved? (See video below.) What the fuck. No. McCain has been running for almost a YEAR now while serving as senator. Obama (second video) is correct (and negligent, just like McCain and any other senator who bails out on Congress to run for president): they've gone this far; now we need to know who is smart enough to start to turn things around.

4. George Bush warns us that we're facing 'a long and painful recession.' Really? Didn't he deny a recession just a few weeks ago? This was NOT hard to predict. Listen to Suze Orman, not George Bush. Dear Mr. Bush: Shut the fuck up. Seriously. Leave. Get out of the White House. Go back to Texas or leave the country. We're not just being angry. It must be miserable being George Bush, who has always seemed so sure of himself and his motivations, and now everything is falling apart. He has seriously run a legendary country into the ground, with the help of an administration of greedy yes-men.

We are mad. Burning up. This country has a fever right now. Is it going to perish? We get fever chills writing this, but yes, it is going to succumb to this sickness if we don't wake the hell up and throw out the assholes who are fucking up our country today. This isn't a diatribe in support of Barack Obama. It's desperation. Call Congress, send them emails and faxes, and tell them you are freaked out and want this shit managed properly TODAY, not tomorrow, not in November after the election, and not in February after the new president comes in.

Are you ready to lose all your money, your national identity, and possibly your life to the gluttony of a few fuckups in Washington, D.C.? No, really, ask yourself that right now. Are you? DO SOMETHING.

Meet Survivor's New Token Gay Guy

2008-09-15T17:24:00.001-07:00

Charlie is a 29-year-old corporate lawyer from New York know-it-all who keeps his ego in check ("...almost the best at just about everything!"), says he's ultra-flexible, and has the mannerisms of Ross the Intern.

We think we're in love!

Watch CBS Videos Online

New Old Tori Amos Concert DVD!

2008-09-14T09:41:00.000-07:00

Our muse, Tori Amos, sang at the annual Montreux, Switzerland music festival in 1991 (before her groundbreaking album Little Earthquakes) and in 1992 (post-superstardom). A new DVD-and-CD release commemorates these performances almost two decades later.

Tori Amos - Thank You

For fans and even musicians who may not be obsessive about Tori, this is a treasure, as we get to see a young woman of almost supernatural musical talent change from confident opening act (for The Moody Blues) to a star in her own right.

The CD track list is unsurprising, but even for those of us who have dozens (hundreds?) of bootleg tapes from the early '90s, these are among the earliest recordings and, certainly, offer up the best sound quality.

Silent All These Years
Precious Things
China
Crucify
Leather
Song For Eric
Upside Down
Happy Phantom
Winter
Thank You
Little Earthquakes
Precious Things
Whole Lotta Love/Thank You
Me And A Gun
Winter
Smells Like Teen Spirit

Are you as excited as we are??

More info about this and other Tori goodness at Undented.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck Shows Her True Colors (Of Shit)

2008-09-10T18:12:00.000-07:00

Elisabeth Hasselbeck, The Big 'EH', does her best to present herself as "fair and balanced" on The View, often even agreeing to disagree with the ultra-liberal comedienne and former teacher Joy Behar.

But, uh, how do we say this? EH is totally tacky. Here she is at some kind of Republican rally giving her best High School Mean Girl gossip about Michelle Obama. You know, EH, if you are going to talk shit about someone, at least do it while they are there. Joy Behar has had many face-offs with guests on The View; she doesn't slam them once they leave if she sat there and smiled while they were there. We guess that's your niche on the show, huh?

Barbara Walters needs to can your ass already. Blind young Republicunts are a dime a dozen.

Matt Damon Is Scared Of Sarah Palin

2008-09-10T17:33:00.000-07:00

Two reasons to love Matt Damon: